31 December 2005

new year's evolution

back to normal size and it's new year's eve. one last look at the year that was 2005, a year of growth, a year of evolution.

as a tradition, new year's resolutions are made every year. at the start of 2005, i remember, my resolution was to shy away from my torpe persona. it wasn't that serious of a resolution, it just something you throw out there. i'll stop drinking, smoking, or whatever, you know you've been there; a year will pass and you'll have the same resolution. but mine unexpectedly came to be, out of necessity maybe, all of a sudden i found myself in a crowded train carrying a bouquet of pink roses.

the joy of my progress was short-lived, the early posts are proof. but reading a few entries more you'll witness the evolution of a downhearted boy to a lyrical soul that i am today. and what an emotional rollercoaster ride it was. but instead of feeling sick after the ride, i was pleased with the dizziness it gave me. i was satisfied with what i got from the experience, not what i had in mind, but a lesson nonetheless.

as for 2006, another resolution is yet to be fulfilled. it's a fresh start for everybody, let's not waste it...

may God bless us all in 2006! happy new year to everyone!

30 December 2005

2 foot small

today was supposed to be the much awaited block reunion. the message thread on yahoo groups paraded not only the excitement of people but also the anxiety of those who can't make it. i was one of the first few to jump on the idea of having a reunion but sadly i didn't make it today.

it was a sour ending to a year of growth. my last minute bail out made a couple of friends livid. some irritated text messages were sent asking me to be there, but i already made up my mind. all i can do was apologize. one message hit a nerve. who was she to command me? they don't even know the reason behind the nonattendance...

last night as i was about to sleep, i had a vision. i had a vision of what was going to happen at the gathering. smiles will be all over the place, catching-ups and talking will be automatic. it'll be the first time in quite a while since they've seen each other. then it hit me. two years post graduation and first on the catching-up itinerary was work. i suddenly felt like i was 2 foot small. what work? i don't even have a diploma yet to be proud of.

yeah i've been there, trapped in a group where work was the main course. it's not fun. but of course no one noticed i wasn't having fun. i handled myself pretty well, my comedic mask did the trick.

so if anyone asks why i wasn't there, it's because i made a decision to lay off the masks for a while...

21 December 2005

an early farewell

a christmas get-together slash birthday treat. the group was to meet at starbuck's shangri-la plaza. a lot has changed since my last visit there. i think i should go out more, care to join me? i was fourth to arrive. all smiles, christmas was in the air. a few conversations and something hints of a bad thing. no one dared to continue the drama, the pull of the trigger should be quick and painless. a few chats more and the bad aura seemed to disappear for awhile. i guess everybody was wearing their happy masks at this point. including me.

on to dinner, the food was great. laughters here and there. seems like old times. little did we know that it'll be one of the few remaining moments that the group would be complete. it's bad enough that one of us have secluded himself from time beyond schoolhours due to personal reasons, now comes this.

february of next year, karina will be off to china. for how long, no one really knows. 2 years maybe, more or less. the eminent first strike, loved, hated, then appreciated. (check out fear of the third strike and a halt at 1:39 for reference) im not even sure if she'd still be here come february nine. that would just be plain upsetting.

a feel sorry for her and jervin, their relationship would have to endure the walls of distance. but on the brighter side of things, this should be a good experience for her. only a few gets to travel for free. months or years on a foreign land could be great not only for her career but also in life as well. what do we know about the future right? as the old cliche goes, God works in mysterious ways.

18 December 2005

weekend update

a month offline (blogwise) and here are some updates...

- playing for the 5th years for the second time (need i say more about my college stay?), we won the championship for basketball. though i have to say, the handling of this year's sportsfest (olympmix 2005) was a far cry from the previous years. i have to apologize to the organizers for saying this, but it pretty much sucked... sorry martha. but in all fairness, at least they held the annual sportsfest this year, unlike last year where they had to skip the event due to i dunno... maybe they just never cared. and by the way, they handed out free sportsfest t-shirts, everyone got excited i guess until they saw what was printed: "sportsfest 2004" last time i checked its already 2005 a few days more and its 2006!

- Pinoy Big Brother has ended with Nene as the Big winner. i wanted Jason to win it, but i like Nene as well, she reminds me of someone. anyway, jason had a huge check as well so i guess that's ok.

- i went to 168 last week just to see what the hoopla was all about. and what a disappointment. it was just like tutuban, if not more expensive. and don't get me started on the number of people. think of ants...

- eddie guerrero died of heart failure. and like the wrestlers, heroes or villains, tears drowned my eyes. he was a great entertainer and a man of God. Eddie, you will be missed...

17 December 2005

snail's pace

after more than a month of hiatus, guess who's back?!

i chose not to blog hoping it would help me with my studies (is this ron talking?). well anyway, it neither helped nor held me back as far as my studies are concerned. nothing changed really. i still get online almost everyday way past midnight and there were a couple of times where i wanted to write something but chose not to in the end...

yes i see finish line, but i never realized that i was at a snail's pace. there are still too much hurdles to jump over. im still the cocky sonofagun though, i say i'll finish this race with s-t-y-l-e, style! (remember the movie blank check?). i just wish there's a skip button here somewhere, this is boring me...

14 November 2005

the first of my last days in school

school started yesterday. but thanks to my sembreak-like schedule, i stayed home, i got no class during mondays. as for tomorrow, it'll be officially my first day. the first of the my last days in school.


maybe i should stop making friendster my daily habit. it's a hard habit to break. but something has to give. maybe i'll just contain myself and limit my online time. if this would make the road to graduation on cruise mode, then it'll be worth it.


'til the next misadventure...

11 November 2005

scary movies

yesterday, a few friends wanted to drink and i obliged. we had another dvd movie marathon with our good ol' pal SMB light. someone suggested that we should watch something scary. and from a recent trip to the pirated dvd capital of the philippines, we chose from recent titles and decided to watch Dark Water. it was already past midnight and we turned all the lights off. this should be fun: a post halloween scare-fest.


midway through the movie, we were getting restless. the story took so long to develop. maybe this is like The Ring where the fright is at the end. we waited for a few minutes more for something scary to come out but nothing came. one friend even fell asleep and had to rewind to the scene he had missed. what a letdown.


thoughts of ghosts and monsters scare me. i'm a chicken when it comes to scary movies. i was never a fan of scary movies until i saw The Ring. Sadako scared the living hell out of me! after The Ring, there came a bunch of scary movies from japan or if not, thrillers with a japanese theme. and i think it's getting old, this is proof. i wasn't scared at all and there was no after movie anxiety.


The Eye was a visual treat. i remember having two of my friends, both female, one on each side of me ripping my uniform-off out of fear. there was also a scene in an elevator where an old man appeared with only half of his face. we looked to our left and saw an old man who looks like the one on the big screen sitting by himself. we just ignored him and after a few minutes we looked again and saw that he was gone. scary. turns out he just changed seats and moved two rows forward.


The Ring, on the other hand, was a different story. after watching a last full show, i came home late, around 11:30. everybody was asleep but thoughts of Sadako still lingered. i can't sleep. i was scared to look at the reflection of a turned-off tv. but at the same time i was scared to turn it on. Sadako might come out! then at around 1am the phone rang. i shouldn't answer the ringing phone. but i gathered myself and answered the call. all i heard was silence. i was going to die in 7 days. i waited for my seventh day. good thing nothing happened and no one came out of the tv! whew!

08 November 2005

the sight of the finish line

the 7th of November was the scheduled registration day for graduating students, and i'm one of them, finally. i'm now officially a graduating student. for the past 2 years my name has been included in the list of graduating students. 2 years of people on the list leaving me behind. the only reason i'm in this list was one or two major courses that were courses of graduating students.


this will be my last semester in the college. and i'll make sure of that. with only 5 units left to pass, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. the banners are waiting for me on the other side. i can hear the screams. i can feel the love. i know i shouldn't get ahead of myself but i just can't help it. and i know that if the going gets tough, just the sight of the finish line would give me the second wind i need. besides, i'll have the ultimate defense to failure... prayers. i'm bulletproof.


thoughts of post-graduation should be my concern right now. but on the contrary, it's on the bottom of my list of "to ponders." right now all i am thinking is the glory. the hardships and the trials are almost over now. it's been seven agonizing but gratifying years. two years beyond the standard. two years wasted for some. but to me, two years that will make my graduation a little bit sweeter.


see you at the finish line!

04 November 2005

letters (dusting off the cobwebs II)

further cleaning and rearranging, i found some letters...


remember the highschool recollections? the retreats? remember the letters of friends wishing you a happy retreat, goodluck, blah-blah-blah? it's really funny how many letters you will receive with only a small percentage of them coming from the heart. others write goodluck letters for the sake of receiving letters themselves. who wouldn't want to read a sack of letters right? makes you feel popular. but there are those that are really heart-warming, i felt bad because i couldn't return the favor for i'm not good at writing or giving letters. now i realize that it really doesn't matter how good your letter is, as they say, it's the thought that counts.


here are a few letters:


...RON...

Hi! Sana eh.. masaya ka ngayon at excited ng magretreat... naalala ko pa dati yung mga gumigimmick tayo.. ang saya.. sa Hard Rock.. sa Studi.. sa E.K.. sa Starbucks.. sa Quad.. sa Bahay ni Gareth.. (nandun ka ba non?)
..yung mga panahon na crush ko pa si.... Sa madaling salita,
MISS NA KITA!!!
...Sino na ba ang special someone mo?...
a nice guy like you will surely find Love...
Love will come your way.. Wait and see...
..if ever troubles cross your path i will be here to Listen
and comfort you...

TAKE CARE ALWAYS....

HAPPY RETREAT!!!


KC


thanks mommy KC! you're the best!


here's another:

Ron Gilbert;

Happy Retreat!
Hope you succeed in your endeavours.
Ingat lang sa tsiks ha! pogei kapa naman
aral muna at basketbol sabi ni Dad MoN.
Ingat palagi at magdasal.

Francis Gil
Tatang

i laughed while reading this! can't help but utter: si tatang talaga o...

in the bulk of retreat letters, there was one with a different subject. it was a christmas letter from my good pal gene:

r
o
n
i,


thanks for being a true
friend all these years... =)
Basta, come what may
I'll be with you every step
of the way.
Merry Christmas chong! and
may you have a happy,
fruitful & blessed new year!!!
love you ron! =)

- gene

there's a few more nice letters but maybe i'll post them some other time. my fingers are tired. then something caught my eye. a folded piece of paper, obviously a page torn-off a math notebook.


RON

P600 ko!

HINDI KA
PUPUNTA SA LANGIT

DE ROB


i'm innocent!

dusting off the cobwebs of my room and my memories

arguably, today was the most boring day of my sembreak. i could watch another dvd movie but the 3 dvd's i watched yesterday was more than enough for me. i could lift weights or maybe clean my room perhaps. cleaning and lifting weights are my options? just a testament of how boring this day was. so i chose to clean my room today and next thing i knew i was having blasts from the past...



there's this cabinet in my room where i keep my past stuff like old highschool and college books, notebooks, etc. with the first semester over and another just around the corner, i had to make room for the things of the second sem. to do so, i have to throw out unimportant stuff jamming up the cabinet. i don't know why i keep things that are not really necessary, even those ready for the garbage can. but for some reason or another, they're there. now it's time to throw them out.



the task was simple: pick something, decide whether to the trash can or for keeps. and while scanning through an assortment of things, i found some pictures of my 16th birthday. i remember there was a party, but i forgot about the pictures. a lot of people were there, old classmates and friends. but looking at the faces, i can't help but wonder where they are right now. for the 20 or more visitors of that night, i can only account for less than 5 of them. that's alright, i guess. after all, an estimated 75% of the visitors just came for the free booze!

30 October 2005

the life of an ex-intern

ahh... sembreak. three weeks of 3am bedtimes and all day cable tv. this is the life. or is it?


my sembreak was cut-short to 2 weeks; 1 week was spent on finishing my internship. three days of doing nothing, staring at the tv screen, and surfing the net, i'm thinking there must be something better than this.


for the first time in my college life, i'd rather be somewhere else than home sweet home. for years i look forward to vacations, sembreaks, or holidays so i can stay put and spend all day thinking of what to do the next day. play ball, listen to thousands of mp3s, channel-surf, download some more mp3s, eat, sleep, watch dvd's, i can do anything.


the first week finishing the internship was an eye-opener. there is something better than this lazy-boy kind of life. i was learning, logging-in time (as required by the PRC), and assisting the pharmacists and clerks, all at the same time. and it was fun too. my sembreak time was maximized to its full potential.


how sad it had to end this way. there were new interns and we were with them for less than a week. but in that short span of time, we all clicked, adding to the things i miss about my stay at MDH. well, some good things never last...


for now, the text world will do. it's better than nothing. and for what its worth, i now have at least 6 new textmates. for the remaining days of nothing-to-do's, texting will now be my pastime. i just hope i don't exceed my plan's limit...

29 October 2005

SM Valenzuela NOW OPEN ...to jologs!

SM Supercenter Valenzuela opened its doors to the public yesterday october 28. only a few minutes walk from our house, shopping has never been this close to home.

9am, a few hours short of my 10-hour sleep, my mom woke me up. sasama ka ba sa SM? my thoughts were like: sleeeep... more sleep... and so i slept some more. i woke up a couple of hours later, went down and saw what i thought was my sister. sumama ka ba sa kanila sa SM? it was my mom, she's already home from visiting the new SM. some of my relatives were still at the store, but the huge turnout of people was too much for my mom.

from a post by derob in Derob In Dinoland, i kinda had an idea of what the place looked like. it was small, only half the size of SM Manila, and with only 4 cinemas. but how crowded could it be? how small was it? what were the stores inside? i have to see it.

5pm i went with my sister and my cousin. we took a tricycle, and in a couple of minutes we were in front of the supercenter. and they were right. i think half of valenzuela inhabitants were there, or even more. the number of people bothered me only a bit, what bothered me most was the kind of people i saw. jologs everywhere.

now i respect them, after all we are all equals. who am i to look down right? but some of them just dont belong. students, mostly gradeschool and highschool, still in their uniforms, were all over the place. i think department stores are not supposed to allow GS & HS students in uniform inside their stores. well ok, maybe their classes were over, i'll let them go. but i just remembered my mom saying that she saw students in uniform too. my mom went there 9am to maybe 11am. do the math.

SouthBorder was scheduled to play. well, that didn't help to decrease the number of people. the steps leading to the door were full of tambays sitting casually on them. and as we were about to enter the place, we heard a voice-over announcing that the band was about to play next. the steps became almost empty as the tambays rushed to the stage.

as we walked, i saw tambays sitting on the floor, left and right. children were running around as if they had no parents. scanning the stores, i wanted to see where the cinemas were. it's on the third floor and still tambays were there sitting on the floor for no apparent reason. my sister was wearing a skirt and i saw one of the sitting tambays, crouching down and trying to have a peek on what's underneath. i looked at him with a mean glare and he looked back as if he was doing nothing. maybe he didn't realize that my sister was with me coz i was so far back. so i just stared at him, caught up with my sister and blocked his view.

after buying a couple of things, i wanted to go home. my feet were surprisingly tired given how small the place was. we went out through the other end, and surprise, surprise. punks, with their extra small black shirts, fit denim pants, and their "too-much-gel" hairstyle, crowded the steps on the way out. how i wish i had a couple of bodyguards with me. that way i could tell them off not worrying about getting beat up.

i wouldn't mind an hour of travel to shop at a more decent department store.

28 October 2005

blessing in disguise

we came in with a "let's get this over with mindset." a day short of three months later, it's over, but how we wish we could do this internship all over again...


the idea at first was to finish this board exam requirement as soon as possible. the word on the campus was that Manila Doctors Hospital offers a shortcut. 640 hours for only 480 hours logged-in. perfect. with less than a year 'til the boards and 960 hours of internship to go, the offer is impossible to resist.


yesterday was our last day at MDH. no more early wake-up alarms and no more automatic shutdowns. no more duties, no more drugs, no more bin cards to fill, no more pending requests, and no more pigeon holes. but as with the old adage, you'll never appreciate these things until you lose them. a truth that is a hard pill to swallow.


my body is delighted that it's over, but my heart is definitely not. there were days that the word "tiring" is an understatement, but the people made it so worthwhile. finishing our time at the hospital is like taking-off for another country and leaving behind your family.


and i do consider them my 3rd family (next to my good ol' friends). i can't help but wonder how our next internship would compare to this. MDH has raised the bar so high i can't imagine another workplace so warm. i even appreciate the MDH people that were kinda mean to us, people we didn't like. at least they made some days interesting.


and as for those people that left footprints on our hearts, we thank you. not only did we learn a lot, we also gained friends along the way.


to mai, gemli, annerly, sarah, benjo, malou, juhvee, queenie, ruby, ina, nancy, donna, papa doms, she-an, net, sharon, joy t, joy o, yeyen, k, raegan, eve, all the clerks and other i might have missed, may God bless you all!

19 October 2005

tsk, tsk, tsk... tsk, tsk...

more on orange and rip-offs...

i just finished watching boy abunda's kontrobersyal. as a topic of a majority of blog sites and email groups, the originality of pinoy ako by orange and lemons was the center of discussion in a feature entitled "rip-off."

it started off with itsumo by dice & k9. lame. ancient. 2004 material. the group's lead rapper told detractors to stop the hating.
dice: it's my time to shine.
ron: your 15 minutes of fame are over, the exit is to your left. would you like my foot to escort your ass to the door?

next up, cueshe. gay. yawn, yawn. fast forward please.

the moment of truth. a musical arranger was interviewed and originality was his outcry. konting delicadeza naman he uttered. finally, someone on our side. he started examining the songs chandeliers and pinoy ako. and the verdict?
arranger: the two songs are entirely different from each other.
ron: open your ears man! don't tell me you're just another puppet of the network giant ABS-CBN...

i thought the truth will be presented but apparently, the feature was one-sided. even the composer, whom i felt bad for, is on their side with the same remarks. the two songs are entirely different songs. i understand. the band, the composer, both under ABS-CBN Star Records. why bite the hand that feeds, right?

then a breakthrough. Music writer blows whistle on Orange and Lemons. Giselle Roque, music writer for Pulp magazine, bares proof that Pinoy Ako is indeed a rip-off. also a friend of Chandeliers composer Paul Simpson, Roque revealed that the group Orange and Lemons apologized to her, but sadly, not to The Care. the article is quite lengthy, but is enlightening. it even exposes the dark side of the controversial band.

Clem (Castro of Orange and Lemons) ‘E bakit kami magpapaalam? Magpasalamat pa nga ang The Care at pinasikat namin ang kanta nila.'

She further revealed that "Orange and Lemons said that they were pressured and did not know what else to do. Since they were listening to The Care, to that effect, they decided na "puwede" ang "Chandeliers." I have the e-mail from Orange and Lemons to prove this including the time line explaining they had to rush the song because ABS-CBN gave them barely a week to do it and record the video for "Pinoy Ako."

tsk, tsk, tsk... tsk, tsk...

14 October 2005

observant glances

it was a routine lunchbreak, on a budget and on a tight schedule. looking through a glass, people were browsing for food that might interest their tastebuds that day. while having a peek at the choices, i took a glance at the people around me and i saw a face that i'm sure i have seen before...


i tried to focus on the task at hand, i got to order now 'cause my tummy's grumbling, but i kept thinking where did i see that face? electrical signals on my brain were frantic. then a light bulb lits up.


that face belonged to my myspace buddy! a friendster and a chatmate as well, but i wasn't sure if that's her. with only online pictures for reference, doubts surfaced. i knew she was from the same university but on a different college. the probability was high; the foodstall was like a lunch convergence of 3 colleges, nursing, pharmacy and dentistry. im an overstaying pharmacy student, she's a sophomore at the college of nursing.


i was looking her way, trying to confirm. i saw her with the same observant glance. maybe she's also considering the connection. a greeting would be awkward at this point. if only i had a way to confirm. i heard someone calling her name, but the audio wasn't clear. from the indistinct sound i tried to match the name to the face. it was definitely her... on second thought... nah, it can't be.


yesterday, i heard a knock. ym popped-up, months after the incident, she logged-in. now would be a good time to ask. catching up was first on the itinerary, second was the gap to ask the question. lam mo parang nakita kita dati sa skul... pero d ako sur kung ikaw yun e. the reply: lam ko, nafeel ko din yun eh..


confirmation.


checking her profile... Who I Want to Meet: Peter Pan, and hope he'll fly me to Neverland or give me a thimble!


Peter Pan epidsode II? mere chance? interesting none-the-less... now don't tell me you're the real tinkerbell... 'cause i wouldn't mind that at all...

tsk, tsk, tsk...

anyone seen Pinoy Big Brother? ...as if i still need to ask. with the kind of promotion abs-cbn did for PBB and the kind of show that it is, people all over the country tune in at around 10. even 'kapuso' peeps watch the show.
i myself am a self-confessed PBB fan (yes mckee, pareho tayo). the first week of its airing, i didn't see. i wasn't persuaded by the hype. i saw a portion of the episode where they entered the house and that was it. i didnt watch it for 2 weeks. and now after a few full episodes, im hooked.

anyone who watches PBB is all too familiar with the theme song. pinoy ikaw ay pinoy.. ipakita sa mundo.. kung ano ang kaya mo... great lyrics in a refreshing tune by the band orange and lemons... or more appropriately orange and rip-offs

tsk, tsk, tsk... just when i was starting to like the band. i've seen them play before (before their popularity) and i was amazed on how they've captured the music of the 80's. i never thought they were pirates.

while searching for the song "pinoy ako" the theme song for PBB, a few interesting webpages surfaced. blogs and articles are saying they copied the song "pinoy ako" from the song "chandeliers" by care, a new wave band. there was a link to the song and i heard it, then bamm! orange and rip-offs.

researching some more, i found an article about the band's response. apparently it has come to their attention that they are being accused of copying the song "chandeliers." how low can you go? they even had the audacity of denying the accusation. the two songs in question are two entirely different songs they said. well of course they're different. but only in lyrics i say. here's a link to the full song Care - Chandeliers. you be the judge.

and to think its composer entrusted the lyrics to them. tsk, tsk, tsk... "pinoy ako, pirata tayo!" also in the list of rip-off artists are session road and cueshe. session road's "leaving you" is charged with ripping off Superdrag's "Garbonzia" and cueshe's "stay" for Silverchair's "The Greatest View."

poor cueshet, i mean cueshe. not only are they the gayest local band of all time, they are good rip-off artists as well...

13 October 2005

the 51st

i was skeptical at first, never really knew what it was all about. clicked a couple of underlined words and still no upsurge on my interest level. who cares for blogs anyways?


obviously, i now do. i started out using the blog feature of myspace for my do-it-yourself emotional therapy. working on my 51st post, i never thought i would be this hooked to blogging. technically this isn't my 51st post. a couple of entries more were posted in myspace but due to certain situations were not transferred to my friendster blog. the drama is over and im thinking of doing a late post here at friendster (edited of course). it's a risk-benefit assessment and maybe a few raised hands from people will tip the scale in favor of the post.


blogs made depression a mere pebble to me; moving-on didn't involve hurt feelings or tears. it worked like a charm. and after finishing the therapy part of my blog life, i started to enjoy the anything-goes writing part of it. i remember john mayer saying something like: "i love it when i sing to the audience and they sing back the lyrics to me, it's like feeling that you're not alone in the world, they can relate to what you're feeling" (from the Any Given Thursday dvd).


it's the same thing here. feedback from the readers gave me a sense of comfort. i'm not the only one in this drama. people relate to what i write, to what i feel.


and it doesn't stop at 51, heck no. i won't slow down. and neither should you.


you damn right im talking to you gp, kirk, derob, kaye, and ma'am mai! flex your fingers and let me read some more blogs ayt?!!

06 October 2005

sleep all day

blame the weather or blame my lazy ass. either way, i can't seem to find the enthusiasm to get out of bed. i almost slept all day today, literally. if not only for the pending to do's and the minor headaches of oversleeping, i would have never gotten out of bed.


i hate and love being the bum that i am, but it has to end sometime. and looking at the weeks ahead, im starting to savor the extra hours of sleep im getting. a couple of examinations, a continuing internship, and another beer-swimming party, it's gonna be crazy.


take time to take time. have a break. give yourself a hug. what the heck, just sleep while you can and just work your ass off when its crunch time!

05 October 2005

upgrade, downgrade (the pros and cons of friendster's new face)

a lot have changed since the time i signed up for friendster. i can't even recall how exactly the website looked like while on its beta version. in friendster's new start-up page, i can't help but look for a link that says "friendster classic." that would be something.


don't get me wrong here. i love the new features and all but isn't it a bit too much? let's analyze the pro's first, shall we?


1. friendster blog
this feature, i love (obviously). come to think of it, among the avid internet users, blogging was the next big thing after friendster. it was a good move on friendster's part to include blogs. it's great that you dont have to be registered with friendster to read blogs. for users who want to blog, they no longer have to sign-up on blog sites. a click on friendster and a new blog is created. type away with your thoughts...


2. CSS editor
no question this jazzes up profiles in friendster, but after a while, the bling on this feature will soon fade. (more on this later...)


3. Friend Tracker
updated profiles, uploaded pics, and new testimonials. nice things that keep you up to speed when it comes to your friends' friendster activity. and probably a guide to see who's overdoing it...


4. Birthday Reminders
this is a lifesaver! if i had a nickel (or piso na lang) for every time i forget people's birthdays, i'll be a rich man. even birthdays of close friends i can't seem to embed on my brain. and as for those not so very close friends, you'll know their birthdays too. now you'll be ready for the upcoming birthday of your crush!


5. Who's Viewed Me
you'll now know who has viewed your profile, an addition to the 'your profile has been viewed x times' feature. im having mixed emotions on this one. it's nice to see who's been checking you out but on the contrary, people you check out will know you've been checking them out as well.


6. Photos / Photo Albums
from a limit of 5 photos to a high of 50 photos you can upload not including the pics you put on your photo albums.


on with the cons...


1. CSS editor
as mentioned this feature will jazz up your profile. but from my experience in myspace.com, this will eventually be an annoyance. videos, music, added pics on the profiles equals longer loading time for your page. im only on dial-up, as most of us are, and the additional KB's to download are oftentimes not worth it. edit your profile, personalize. but please avoid uploading things that are of no importance. its in the way of the getting to know you part of friendster.


2. The new start-up page
the new start-up page also takes some time to load and is too complicated.


3. other features
new features i don't care about: horoscope, classifieds and "ATTRACT WOMEN anytime, anywhere without rejection...Click Here Free Tips > "


...all in all i think friendster took the right step in upgrading their system. i started this analysis thinking that the upgrade was a bad idea. i guess i just miss the simplicity that friendster beta offered. in trying to keep up with other networking sites such as multiply.com and myspace.com, friendster somehow said goodbye to its former self.


fortunately for them we're stuck here. no other community website boasts of the number of people that friendster have. type the name of your grade school classmate on the user search box and there's a good chance he or she is on friendster. maybe even the driver of your school bus is on friendster.

02 October 2005

saturday's twofold birthday bash

saturday night, off the grill, timog ave, and not a lot of people, yet. the night began with a couple of minutes of choosing where to sit. finally a winner, and we took our seat and got the party started. in the company of our good friend san mig light, the night will only get better...

it started with five people on the table. and after a few messages from the birthday girl, the five became seven, then nine, then ten, then twelve, then fourteen. the night had its fair share of misfortunes though. midway through, the lights went out. at first we thought its part of the act, an introduction perhaps of the performing band. the next thing i saw were waiters handing out candles. this short-circuit sh*t was for real. but no worries. with friends, good conversations, and a kick of alcohol, i can't even remember how long the power breakdown was.

*i don't know the name of the performing band. all i can remember was the male vocalist's goatee (upsetting my own goatee) and the female vocalist who looks like a dude.

two of our friends mentioned another birthday party happening at another friend's house. yeah sure, we'll drive by. not really knowing if that was possible, i didn't bring wheels so we were at the mercy of our ride's owner slash driver. he's not from our school and may not be interested in going into a stranger's party. but i guess the numbers game had its way, and a cooperative steering wheel brought us to a second birthday bash.

the doors opened, old friends, old schoolmates jam-packed the place. swimming in a sea of familiar faces, the nostalgia was great. hugs, pounds and handshakes were everywhere. and why not? i wont be seeing them for a good couple of months or even years. different lives and a faded communication line only hints of a get-together of rare proportions.

one last thing. on my jeepney ride home, i paid my fare with a P20 bill. i was seated beside the driver and he probably detected an alcohol intake on my part. he gave me my change, it was P1.25 short. normally i would just forget about it and just think of it as my way of charity. but the alcohol was in charge of my brain at that point, so i asked for my P1.25. i thought, i may be drunk but im not stupid. another round of beer please!

01 October 2005

homeward bound

after 2 weeks of internship, exams, presentations, and deadlines, i was physically exhausted and mentally drained. homeward bound and another 'railway track-back' moment lurks. this time, the drama wasn't about the stations, it was about me. it didn't have the music video scene as the RTB comments had suggested. the ride was not conducive to emotional thinking but still the melancholy commenced...

first on queue was a sighting. i can't remember how long it has been. she walked on by. her smile was there but i wasn't able to say hi or even raise my eyebrows to greet. maybe it's just because our eyes didn't meet. or probably because i was subconsciously making myself busy not to catch her eye. 2 stations later i started to wonder why. digging deep, i found answers. unfortunately, the answers came with more questions...

next up, i started thinking about graduation, or more appropriately started thinking if i would graduate at all. in all my years in college, i was never conscious about my grades. but now that the end is near, i started to doubt if i could reach the finish line. with the help of the divine, i could. but doubts will always be there and will cease to torment only until i step up to the stage and receive the ribbon-tied, rolled-up paper called diploma.

fx ride, and i receive a message from a birthday girl. a party was in order and saturday night it is. saturday night, that'll be something to look forward to. for a while there i got excited. but the elation was short-lived.

i got home and connected to the internet. while enlisting my subjects for the coming semester online, i opened other windows of internet explorer and logged on to friendster. My Inbox: new messages. click. subject: bad news...

click. she lost her phone. classes for this semester are over, the coming week will be for final examinations. no more classes, no more SMS's, only thing left is friendster.

15 September 2005

letters to kaye

a few years back, kaye and i used to exchange emails on a regular basis. she left for the states and email was our only form of communication. she hated living in the states and really wanted to go home while i was drowning in frustration, keeping my feelings for someone to myself. almost everyday i send her an email of the day's events and she would reply with her assessment. and then the process goes vice-versa.

for the first few months, i used the free email service from edsamail. all our email conversations were saved in the edsamail program. however, the company decided to charge its customers and i had to discontinue using edsamail. all the emails saved were gone.

i switched to other email services to continue my mail sessions with kaye. luckily, some of them remain and one particular email caught my attention. it was about a dream i had before. i can't seem to remember having this dream but the letter doesn't lie, i was the one who wrote it. after reading it a few more times, i remebered the dream. this was the letter:

(a little background: i was inlove with karina at the time, tried to fight my feelings, hid it for a couple of years. i think at this point i was on the verge of revelation. we all know how that went. tragic)

june 9 2002 12:27am

hey kaye, how's the weather? sori di ko alam yung sagot sa tanong mo? di ko alam kung nandito sino ba yung artistang yun? basta wala kc akong alam, pati dun sa audiogalaxy, binago na kc yun, di ko alam kung pano magdownload.... anyway, the reason i wrote is that i want to tell you something... im sori if this consumes your time for no apparent reason but what the hey, read it nalang... last nyt kc i dreamt of karina. and it was so sweet that i wish hindi na ako nagising... for real, kala ko nga ang corny nung mga sabi sa tv na "kung ito'y isang panaginip, ayoko nang magising," but i guess it happens... it started out as a weird dream, because the setting was unreal but that's not important ryt now... it was like in school or something, and students must join a club or activity of some sort and we had the luxury of choosing what we want... kmi na yata nun, and she chose a "club" na parang religious. e parang kulto yung dating so i had my thoughts, but still i didn't mind and joined anyways to be with her... nung sa loob na kmi, di ko maintindihan yung ginagawa nung mga tao, basta puro tungkol sa religion pero daming practices na wierd or cult-like... and then all i remember is that we were on a bed and marami yatang tao sa paligid namin, pero ang talagang nakita ko dun e c carlo, yung ex nya... so in real life, malamang wala akong gawin nun kc nga nandun sha, hiya ako... but in my dream i kissed her na wala akong pakielam sa anong mangyayari or what people will say especially, the ex... and it was like a wake up call to me... medjo panget yung delivery ko nung kwento kaya di mashado sweet but the point is, my mind is clear... i love her na nga talaga... and im just counting the days till i tel someone about my true feelings... hahanap nalang cguro ako ng tyempo. di nga ako makatulog kakaisip kung pano ko sasabihin sa mga friends ko, pero sana malapit na, mahirap din kcng magtago no... and i still can't forget that kiss, it was so real, talagang kinilig ako...

telling my feelings is just the first step, di naman kc automatic yun na mahal din nya ako no... that's a possibility pero its better safe than sorry... sbi ko nga db, love, if its really true, doesn't need an answer... im still open to any relationship that might come, kc nga baka naman me iniisip ng iba yun and baka magkaron din ng bf in the near future... kuntento na ako sa ngayon na loving her from a distance, pero rest assured na di ko naman lolokohin yung magiging gf ko kung magkaron man...

so ano na nga pala buhay mo jan? are you starting to believe na theres something more than what you have been handed? its nice to know that ur happy, if not all the tym at least for a while, the fact is that ur happy... masaya ka, masaya tayo lahat! il send this email as soon as i can... thanks for being there, ikaw lng naman nasasabihan ko ng mga mushy stuff na ganito, lalo na pagdating ke karina na secret lng natin... salamat talaga at sumusulat ka pa rin skin, mas ok nga sana kung sa phone, miss ko na rin kc yung usapan natin na nagsisimula ng 12am tapos bahala na kung kelan matapos... :)

14 September 2005

peterpan to tinkerbell (thoughts of a hopeless romantic)

it's been a couple of weeks since the last time i saw her. i think about her once in a while. now that she was caught by another's net, i haven't thought of her nor tried to connect with her that much. it's cool, never really expected anything there. it was just nice that somehow i took a step forward as far as being the torpe guy goes. i told her (thru friendster) i had a huge crush on her and asked her if maybe i could have her number. she was flattered and we've been textmates eversince.


but now that the news of her status is in my central circulation, i took a step back. didn't send her as much text messages as before, didn't ask people about her that much. nonetheless, i made sure that the connection was still alive, and that i was still in the friend zone.


one night i came home late. there was nothing for me to do, no assignments, no exams i had to review on. turned on the tv, nothing great was on. i settled for some tunes instead. the playlist was at a random and i started thinking about her. it's been a while since the last time i sent her an SMS, maybe i'll text her now. i looked for a nice quote to send her way. and as soon as i was ready to send the message, i heard a message alert tone from my phone. it was her. were we thinking of the same thing? what a coincidence; or as we hopeless romantics would say, it was magic.


i used to believe in those kind of things: sparks, magic, serendipity, and everything in the list of what's what in the bible of the hopeless romantic. i started living in the real world after a series of unfortunate events. somehow, i've been able to install a brain inside my heart. but it can only control so much. it'll never take away the bliss that i feel everytime magic and fireworks come my way.


her text goes:


tinkerbell to peterpan: do u knw dat place btween asleep & awake? That place where u can remember dreaming? Thats wer il always love u. Thats wer il be waiting.

show me how to get there for i sure would want to stay in that place between asleep & awake. where happily ever after exists...

10 September 2005

crashed and burned but saved by a prayer

a computer crash is nothing new to me. my windows xp is so unstable that i routinely back-up xp files and repair the system. a crash happens once a month, sometimes twice. i have even memorized the serial code for windows xp.


it's a saturday. i was grooming up, almost ready to leave the house for my internship. i decided to jazz it up a little and listen to some music. i booted the computer, xp started and i opened winamp. i clicked on the sound of my selection but all i heard was silence. a few more clicks then something played. but this wasn't my song, what the f*** was going on?


a panicked roni opened up some other more programs, trying to figure out what happened. my folder of mp3s showed 625 files. 625 files? last time i checked i had 2500++. my mind was perplexed. it was already 9am, i sent an SMS to carlo, i had to spend some time on this, i had to be late. after 30 minutes of squeezing out all the techie knowledge in my brain, i had to quit.


an hour train ride to the hospital was all about concern. i arrived and still i was troubled. i spent so much time and effort to get those mp3s and now i had to do it all again. i was blaming myself, why didn't i back-up my mp3s? damn! i was pissed but i kept my cool, i didn't want this to get in the way of work.


good thing my co-interns were tired of the work at the hospital. they decided to leave early to my delight, i could spend more time fixing my computer. we got-off by 4 instead of the usual 8pm. another one hour train ride home, this time filled with prayer and hope. i didn't want to spend 3 or more months just to recover my mp3s. i was anxious to get home. i prayed to God, asking him to make my 'fix-your-own' tactics on my computer work...


he answered my prayers. all the distress, the fear and the frustration was flushed down the toilet in an instant. all my mp3s were back. i was still clueless on the incident though. i don't know why my files disappeared in the morning and miraculously pops back up in the afternoon. but i'd rather forget about it and just be thankful all was back to normal.

07 September 2005

covered in rain

scattered rainshowers and thunderstorms, the weather forecast said. but for some reason, i decided not to bring an umbrella today. i woke up late for my 7am class. no surprises there. i was an hour behind on schedule. i never rushed, figured i was already late, so what the heck. i came in more than an hour late, an hour and 15 mins late to be exact. i asked around, and just as i thought, the lecturer was late and started only 15 minutes before i arrived. a quick discussion and we were dismissed after 15 minutes more. maybe i should've stayed home and didn't have to waste money on a lecture that is more like a reading class.


i didn't want my day to end on a lousy note so i invited a couple of friends for some donuts. go nuts donuts. i had coffee, the peanut butter and choco frost donuts were great, had a few laughs, and called it a day.


midway through my train ride i started to notice dark clouds forming. a few minutes more and raindrops started to splash through the train windows. maybe the rain wont be that strong when i get off, i still have my jacket. but as the doors opened, just the sound of the rain made me see myself soaking wet.


i braved the shower, i just wanted to go home. there was something about the rain that makes me somewhat miserable. maybe it's the metaphor of being covered in rain. but i've already decided to leave the drama and not allow myself to drown in dormant emotions. i took a tricycle instead of walking home for at least five minutes. that saved me five minutes of walking, thinking, and getting wet. i was at the door, puffy, tiny and spark greeted me with enthusiasm. a simple welcome that brightened up my day.

01 September 2005

more mistakes... (a SPAM worth reading pt. II)

more of the mistakes men make with women...


6. Not getting how attraction works for women
a guy sees a sexy, beautiful woman and instantly feels an attraction. do women act the same? apparently not all the time. it seems that attraction for women is triggered by stuff other than looks. of course it would help if you look good but it shouldn't stop there.


7. Thinking that it takes money and looks
a lot of men have low self-esteem and give-up right away when they fall for someone who they think is more superior in terms of looks and riches. take a look around. how many times have you seen a couple and go: "pare, lugi yung babae..." most women are more interested in a man's personality than his looks and money.


8. Giving away all your power to women
keep some for yourself. most women are attracted to men who are in charge. wussies are a turn-off.


9. Not knowing exactly what to do in each type of situation with women
being clueless on what to do on a date or something isn't exactly attractive. you mind end up doing a staring contest, and then waiting for someone to make a move or just utter something. there are a few occasions where you can turn this around and laugh about it but only if you now what to do, if you can handle pressure well.


10. Not getting help
i guess it's the "machismo" in men that makes them allergic to getting help. guys don't like to show that they need help, unfortunately most men do need help (such as i). i learned this valuable lesson the hard way. get help in dealing with women. listen to your friends. more often than not, what they say is usually right. they have the best seat in the house, they know what's going on with you best.


that's about it, i hope this helps i know it helped me quite a bit in understanding the female psyche. and as for the ladies, any comments or violent reactions are most certainly welcomed and encouraged. maybe through this, we can bridge the gap between man and woman.

31 August 2005

a SPAM worth reading

SPAM or unsolicited commercial emails saturate networks all over the globe everyday. anyone who utilizes the information superhighway can be a victim of spam if they're not already. i regularly check my email and every now and then, a spam email defies blocking programs of my email provider and sneaks in my inbox. spam usually entices you to open them by having an appealing subject header. "get rich fast," "you've just won $$$," or even "enlarge your penis by 50% fast," to name a few. i must admit i have fallen victim to these traps (but not the last one). i've learned my lesson and just routinely delete any email that is suspicious.


a few days ago i got a couple of spam emails, one with a "get rich fast" kind of subject while the other was "ten most dangerous mistakes men make with women." i know these are just spams but i was intrigued by the second one. i opened it, scrolled down, and just as i thought, it was a commercial ad for a newsletter or ebook or something. scrolling back up, i started reading some very interesting points. now, after every number, the author shares his thoughts but this time i'll do it on my own. here goes:


1. Being too much of a nice guy
the old Filipino saying "lahat ng sobra ay masama" applies here. being too much of a nice guy can oftentimes shove you to the "friends" zone. a girl can get comfortable with you but will see you only as a friend or worse, a brother. and besides, how many gorgeous women have you seen with a jerk? makes you think doesnt it? im not saying be a jerk, im saying be nice, but not too much.


2. Trying to convince her to like you
i've learned that only a few women are capable of a change of heart. if they don't like you, they DON'T like you. one common mistake is trying to convince her to like you. we all do it, but it wont work. it's like quicksand, the more you try to convince her, the more you'll sink.


3. Looking for her approval or permission
now this applies to wussy guys (like me). i think women are annoyed by this act. bad idea, step up and be a man!


4. Trying to buy her affection with food and gifts
you want women to like you for who you are, right? of course, a few gifts and dinners won't hurt but try to limit it. let her get to know you better as you get to know her better. do sweet things and knock her off her feet, the little things usually do.


5. Sharing how you feel too early in the relationship with her
it might be a good idea to keep your feelings on the down low for a while until you feel (or you think she thinks) the time is right. she might be misled by this and misinterpret your intentions with her. share how you feel not too early but also not too late. give her time and give yourself time. try to start-off slow and finish with a bang!


i'll stop here for now. im tied to my priorities (have to study for an exam tomorrow) and will have to finish this another time. part II of will be posted tomorrow or maybe the next day. stay tuned...

28 August 2005

my rediscovery of jeff buckley

jeff buckley, virtually unknown to me until i heard a 'hallelujah' song on The OC. his voice caught my ear, i immediately searched for The OC's soundtrack and found "Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah." the song is really calming, not to mention being perfect for "senti" modes.


a week later, i decided to clean my room and found an old song-hits (yeah, i collected those back in the days). i flipped through the pages and saw an article about jeff buckley. apparently, the song 'hallelujah' was an old song, highschool old. reading further i found out that the guy was already dead, died of a freak drowning accident. i figured, i guess its ok. i thought he was a one-hit-wonder and his death was nothing like kurt cobain's. the music industry was not at a loss, and so i thought...


thursday afternoon, i was browsing the internet and turned the tv on, glued on mtv for my background. the show 'hand-picked' was on and a local band known as menaya was supposed to pick the videos. typing away on my computer, i heard a band member mention something about jeff buckley and how emotional his song is. i stopped doing computer-stuff and tuned-in to watch the video "last goodbye." the video was nothing special but the song, the lyrics was great.


This is our last goodbye. I hate to feel the love between us die. But it's over. Just hear this and then I'll go, you gave me more to live for, more than you'll ever know... This is our last embrace, must I dream and always see your face? Why can't we overcome this wall? Baby, maybe it is just because I didn't know you at all... Kiss me, please kiss me. But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation. You know, it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye...


what a loss for music. his words come from the heart and the way he voiced it was splendid. my kudos to jeff buckley! good thing there's still a lot of aspiring musicians that have the same passion and wit. i'm tired of acoustic artists (rip-offs) and local bands (gay) filling up the airwaves with their trying-hard songs. maybe next time i'll post an open letter for radio stations to filter what they decide to play when i listen to them, my ears are bleeding...

23 August 2005

T.G.I.W. (but not for fat women in their 40s)

Thank God it's wednesday! two whole weeks since my last blog, and I never looked forward to a wednesday as if it was the 25th of december. two thursdays of exams and 10 days of internship, i am beat. today would be my day of rest, my day to refill my energy and life-enthusiasm tanks.


my internship experience isn't that bad. people are nice and some only 1-2 years my senior. the atmosphere there is more like a coffee shop rather than a hospital pharmacy. well, not all the time. only when fat women in their forties are not around...


after a month at the hospital, the ladies in blue (the resident pharmacists) are always in joke-mode when we're around. everything changes when a huge lady acting as the chief pharmacist comes to visit and inspect. i asked around, turns out there was no chief pharmacist, she was just being an asshole. you're doing a good job lady! another woman, fat and in her forties, talks like a candy, sugar-coating her words. but the message, more like milk gone sour. do this, don't do that. congratulations, you've just won yourself the award for asshole number 2. keep up the good work!

10 August 2005

water under the bridge

my wednesday's 7-10 class, my only class for the day, started late. the guest lecturer arrived 8:30 and the lecture started at about quarter to 9. after the class, i figured it was too early to go home so i stayed for a while. i went to the library to do a homework. ok, not really, i went there to mingle with people. as i sit there doing my thing, ms. don't-flatter-yourself entered.


a split-second eye contact was all there was. it got me thinking... are we still an issue? she was there only for a couple of minutes while i continued to chat away with people. 11 o'clock i decided to call it quits and went out to go home. i never thought she was still there at the lobby. i looked at her for a couple of seconds, trying to make our eyes meet but i guess she was avoiding the spots where we had to speak. nothing else to do but go home.


but it was another reflection-type train ride home. and after 20 minutes of pondering, i decided to make ends meet. i got home and i sent her a text message. in that sms i told her that by now, the thing that happened between us should be water under the bridge. i also told her not to have the wrong idea, that i was not looking for a second chance, i just don't want us to be bitter enemies when we can be friends.


surprisingly, her reply was pleasant. i feel happy for her, maybe she's changing, even maturing. i just hope she's as happy as she's pretending. as for me, im happy. i got over her quickly with a new inspiration to boot. which reminds me, i didn't see a butterfly today. but i guess it's ok, i'm exchanging text messages with her right now anyways..

09 August 2005

railway trackback

riding the LRT on my way home i started to think. i dunno if it's the loneliness of the trip, amplified by the small number of people on the train, or it's just me. empty seats are around me, i could sit anywhere i want. it wasn't anything like rush hours where standing-up wasn't complete without a stranger rubbing elbows and other body parts with you. the mood in the coach was relaxed and looking around the gaps and spaces led me to think and explore my past riding the LRT for almost 7 years...

pedro gil: where UP College of Pharmacy is located, where i spent and still spending time for most of my college life.

u.n. avenue: for the first few years of college, this was the stop because it was the closest to the arts and science building of UP manila. a very busy station, NBI, Rizal park, schools and universities. where i fell in love with my LRTmate, the first strike.

central terminal: where students from intramuros and university-belt schools converge. i think they were ecstatic when SM manila was built, finally somewhere they can hang-out.

carriedo: where everything is fake and less than half the price. i do most of my shopping here, shoes, shirts, dvd's, everything are sold by the pirates of the carriedo.

doroteo jose: i remember my ex-gf. i think it was the day she said "yes." it rained, the train was not operational due to a labor strike, mass transportation was stagnant. with a cellphone running out of battery, she asked the security guard of a bus terminal if maybe she could charge her phone for a few minutes. good thing the guard was kind. she called her dad to pick us up, they dropped me at monumento, and i got home 12 midnight.

bambang: the place where pharmacy students go to buy replacement glasswares for broken or oftentimes missing laboratory supplies.

tayuman: the first time i bought flowers for a girl. Dangwa boasts numerous flower shops, perfect for the untrained suitor. only a jeepney ride from the station, i remember carrying a bouquet of flowers, very embarrasing. the looks of people on the train... it was uncomfortable.

blumentritt: a marketplace, look down and see the people stack up like busy ants.

abad santos: not interesting

r. papa: kaye used to live here. i always think of kaye when the train stops at this station.

5th avenue: last station before monumento, only one station away, i can't wait to get home. well, except maybe if im with someone i like, then i would wish the train ride not to end.

monumento: might as well go home...

07 August 2005

the butterfly's identity

a lot of people are asking me about the butterfly's identity. but most importantly, im surprised that a lot of people know about my butterfly. i know i have at least 2 or 3 avid readers but i guess there's more. maybe it's the constant 'Ron has updated his friendster blog' e-mails. and instead of reporting it as spam, its nice that people checked it out first before deleting it...

but the question still remains. who is the butterfly? for now i can only give clues on her identity. so why give her a name of 'butterfly?' try asking her, it was her blog in the first place. if you really want to know, and if you have a lot of time to waste, why not try to browse my 257 friends in friendster. it's simple really not all 257 are girls, not all of them have blogs to share, and only one of them have an entry about a butterfly. see for yourself!

04 August 2005

automatic shutdown

my ordinary day usually starts with waking up late and ends with staying up late, going to bed right after watching conan o'brien or hey arnold at around 1am. but after more than a week of internship at manila doctors hospital, i think the batteries of my biological clock just ran out of power...

this internship is eating up my time and i had to sacrifice a lot of things just to complete it. i sign-out at 8pm, walk a few meters to reach the light rail transit, ride a train for 20 mins, get-off, ride a jeep or fx for another 30 mins and walk a few meters more to get home. all in all an hour of nonsense traveling, not to mention tiring. i reach my room and turn-on the tv and a couple of minutes pass and i find myself snoozing-off. but it's only 9pm! what's gonna happen to my 4 hours! no tv, no internet, no chats, only auto-shutdowns.

and it's a case of wrong timing too. where was this time-eating bully when i need some time off of reality. this thing would have been great if it had started a couple of months back when wasting time was of the essence. this thing would have been perfect keeping me busy trying to forget downfalls, wounds, and heartbreaks. but now that i'm past those hurdles, i really don't think this helps except maybe academically.

with only 58 hours logged-in and 422 hours to go, my life as a nightcrawler may just have to wait a couple of months more...

29 July 2005

a halt at 1:39

my college class wanted a small reunion thursday afternoon. turns out, only a few could make it so it was cancelled. but apparently, all of my closest friends were available thursday night and so it was set. it'll be our first get-together since Christmas of last year. but i didn't make it, the meeting place was too far for me not to mention im not too familiar with the place and i might get lost. so i just stayed home, sent a couple of SMS's saying my apologies that i couldn't come.

to pass the time, i watched Constantine on DVD. a great movie but it suddenly stopped at the 1:39 mark. stupid fake DVD's! after a few reboots of the DVD player i got frustrated and decided to just try again the next morning. i went to my room and there was an unread message on my fone. It was from Karina, telling me that they had a great time and how they wished the entire group were there.

it seems that i was one of the topics discussed during the dinner. a friend or two mentioned my blogs, and how heart-crushing my posts are. Karina's text message was her reassuring me that she'll be there if ever i'll be needing her help. i was touched. after all we've been through, i can say im really fortunate to still have her on my list of friends. she was the first strike, she sees me as an older brother and nothing more. good thing all is cool between us now. the least i could do right now is to accept that fact and just be there for her as well. thanks mare!

26 July 2005

fear of the third strike

the first strike was devastating, took me more or less a year to get up from the ground. again, i stepped up to the plate, waiting for the pitch, took my swing, but the ball just grazed my bat. surprisingly, the second strike wasn't that bad, i got up immediately and just got the dirt off my shoulder. you would think that shrugging the second easily would make a third swing a walk in the park, but it wasn't the case.

well it was like a piece of cake at first, but after i got my sight locked on a butterfly i started to re-think, started to doubt, fear was building up. would a third strike get me out of the game? maybe not. but still, the fear starts whispering, asking me if i'm ready to lay it all on the line again. my battle-scarred heart should withstand any blow, so what am i afraid of? rejection? depression? but i've been there, it wasn't fun but it's manageable...

maybe all i need is a good kick in the butt, i guess it'll make my mind straight not to mention get rid of my bad-ass fear of the third strike. so help a guy out and give me a good kick!

24 July 2005

a dorm searching misadventure

i'm about to start my internship. my free time will likely end up spent on the premises of Manila Doctor's, and it'll be wise if i go to a dorm or rent a room. but i love my room, i got everything i need: tv, internet, mp3s, a comfy bed, anything i could ask for. having this pad, i never really considered renting a room unless it could emulate the luxury i have in my room. still, i gave it a try and went with a friend to look for dorms and rooms.

things went out pretty smoothly at first. we went to PJ Mansion, on the corner of taft ave. and pedro gil. a cute girl named MJ welcomed us, and with her "coñotic" tongue, she enlightened us with the perks of staying there. flyers described the place as a youth hostel, and it was. the system was great, lots of free stuff, but for a price. a room for 1 person will dig up P10000 a month out of your parent's pockets. the cheapest was sharing a room with 5 other people for P3500. the price threw us off...

next, we wandered the adjacent streets and found a room for rent. the price was P2000 a month, electricity not included. the ambience was not inviting, and its quite far from UP Manila, and MaDoc's. so i had to say "next!"

searching for more, we stumbled upon a "wanted male bedspacer." now, i don't really like the set-up of bedspacing. first of all, it would mean you'll be sharing the room with probably more than one person. then, your personal stuff will be restricted, you wont be able to bring your things as you wish. but all of these was nothing compared to what greeted us... my friend knocked on the door, knocked a few more, and after a few more someone answered and opened the door. i wasn't really interested so i stayed back, and just listened to their conversation. but as i peeked through the door i saw a gay-looking guy with only his undies and a pillow. he invited my friend in and i had to come in as well. he thought my friend was alone and upon seeing me decided to dress-up. thank goodness! for a while there i was scared because he closed the door and i thought we were on the road to male molestation. but after the gay tension subsided, he showed us the bed we were supposed to rent for P1700. saying that the room is small, is an understatement. not to mention being crowded by other bedspacers.

moral of the story: never come in when the landlord looks gay and is wearing only his undies! i'd rather travel for hours than to spend weeknights on a pigpen.

12 July 2005

my thoughts as voiced by Musiq Soulchild

Girl I know this might seem strange
But let me know if I'm out of order
For stepping to you this way
See I've been watching you for a while
And I just gotta let you know
That I'm really feeling your style
Cause I have to know your name
And leave you with my number
And I hope that you would call me someday
If you want you can give me yours too
And if you don't I ain't mad at'cha
We can still be cool cause

I'm not trying to pressure you
Just can't stop thinkin' 'bout you
You ain't even really gotta be my girlfriend
I just wanna know your name
And maybe some time
We can hook up, hang out, just chill

- Musiq Soulchild

...well i already know your name, just wondering if maybe we can hook up, hang out, or just chill...

09 July 2005

the good guy in me speaks out

i have been writing rather angrily on a couple of my previous blogs, near cursing my detractors and displaying angst against a certain person. and since all my negative emotions and bitter feelings are already on the table, i guess it's about time to let the good guy in me speak out...

"shit happens!" as i always say. and after giving much thought and a little help from the divine, i have forgiven. there's no one to blame, no sense in pointing fingers. it was nobody's fault. i'm just glad it's over with. i've learned a few lessons, and i'm thankful for that.

the actions and reactions of the individuals involved now seem easier to swallow. they just don't know me that well. i think they have an image of me totally different from what and who i really am. people see me always wearing a smile, always pumping up the volume with laughter, that's all i am to them. they don't take me seriously but i guess that's to their disadvantage. the ones that know me well can attest to that.

i forgive but i don't forget. and this little shower of understanding should be enough for people who don't even deserve it.

05 July 2005

a half-smile

the class was about to start and before i went in, i saw an image of what seems to be my butterfly. i entered the room and seeing that i got a few minutes left before the lecture starts, i went out and tried to look for her. i didn't know where to look so i just went to the bathroom. and while i was walking she blindsided me, coming out of nowhere. i was stunned. i probably looked stupid uttering some lyrics from an mp3 i was listenin' to. She looked at me and gave me a half-smile. and for at least five minutes, my teeth was showing, i can't take off my smile...

oh well, i guess i have to rely on my information-gathering skills. the power of information is critical right know, given that i'm such a wuss. for now i just have to be content with what the circumstances have to offer. the half-smile should be enough for me. the smile may be only partial but her eyes tells me there is something more, something that might include me? well, i hope so...

02 July 2005

man on the side...

just a simple blog from a butterfly... "baby i'm yours... c'mon and get me." a line from a poplular tune making my head spin. an inquiring mind, hoping the soundwave was intended to go towards my direction. i can only speculate.

and as an answer i'll use the same media. from the words of john mayer:

could you pencil me in when you can? though we both know that the worst part about it is i would be free when you wanted me, if you wanted me...

i am the man on the side. hoping you'll make up your mind. i am the one who will swallow his pride. life as the man on the side...

28 June 2005

good riddance!

it was just a routine day, the alarm woke me up, snoozed it a few times, got up 20 minutes behind schedule, and went to school late. with an earphone in my ear, listenin' to ludacris' the potion, i got up to the 3rd floor and saw my curiosity...

and just as i thought, it ain't much of a drag. i just walked through, took a split second glance, and entered my class. no joy, no pain, no hurt, i felt nothing, she's just another face in the crowd. i guess this'll be my last post that will include her. good riddance!

20 June 2005

don't flatter yourself

enrollment for the first semester started and many were surprised that my long f4-like hair was gone and all that remains is a shiny head. it was fun looking at the reactions of people, some i don't even know. some of the more acquainted classmates and some friends were calling me names, an egghead for example. i'm not offended at all by this in fact i had a fun time catching up with old faces and what they've been up to last summer. everything was nice except for one incident.

i was just tagging along with a friend who needed a signature of a teacher. then came an old classmate and as usual was surprised at my shaved head. she asked me why i did so, i uttered a response and then she asked "ganun b katindi?" referring to the fallout i had with her friend. she then left and i never had the chance to curse, i was furious.

that's the reason i'm writing this blog, to reiterate that this ain't about you. i figured you and your friends have the same mindset. this has nothing to do with you. so please, do yourself a favor and don't flatter yourself.
-----

12 June 2005

my wrist is almost healed & so is my heart

my wrist injury is almost healed. i've played in a couple of pick-up ballgames but i can still feel some pain though. i play with an elastic bandage wrapped around my wrist but a sudden bump or a wrong angle would result in pain. the swelling has gone down and i think the injury is now reduced to just a bruise. it'll only take a couple of weeks more and i'll be a hundred percent again...

same goes with my heart. the relapse thing is on its waning moments. classes have begun, people talk and people ask. they ask what happened and i answer them with enough humor that no one seems to notice the torture of having to relive the unfortunate series of events that added another scar to heart. funny thing is, after awhile, even i never noticed it. i think handling that kind of situation with a sense of comic relief is the way to do it. im giving this relapse thing a few more days to live.

07 June 2005

a weird phone call & an indecent proposal

the weird phone call... a couple of months back a friend sent me a text message on my Smart sim phone saying she's got a Sun Cellular sim. Being a Sun user myself, i sent her a message using my sun and had a little conversation with her. Then a few days ago she called me on my sun and the conversation went something like this:

Ron: Hello?

Michelle: Hello? Sino 'to?

Ron: si Ron ako, bakit?

Michelle: sinong Ron? Ron ni Michelle?

Ron: ha? sino ba 'to?

M: Nagtetext ka kasi dito sa cell ko

R: bkt? hindi ba kay michelle 'to? sino ka ba?

M: si Nina ako, friend ni michelle, so si michelle nga yung tinetext mo

R: oo, tinext nya kasi ako tapos binigay nya 'tong number na 'to

M: so ikaw nga si Ron ni Michelle?

R: ha? ako nga si Ron kilala ko si Michelle

M: ikaw nga yung Ron na ex niya

R: ha? ex? naging kami ba nun? baka iba yun, hindi ako yun

M: ikaw yun, db nga nagdedate pa nga kayo

R: talaga? saan?

M: sa SM

R: ha? ang galing naman, e hindi ko nga niligawan yun

M: Sino bang Ron 'to?

R: Ron, basta Ron. Ano ba sinabi sa'yo ni Michelle Leano?

M: Michelle ano? Si Michelle Hernandez yung sinasabi ko

R: e wala naman akong kilalang ganun e...

...after a few weird pauses i ended the call. it was really weird because as far as i can remember, the Michelle i'm talking about used her old number and sent me her Sun number. so how can there be a mix-up? i'm still confused...

the indecent proposal... again, a few months ago, maybe november or december of last year, my phone rang and registered a number not on my contact list. i just saved the number as "?" and sent a message asking who she or he was. i never got a reply.

then came may and my fone rang again and "?" showed up. I called the number and a girl answered. I asked her who she was and she said she just got the last digit for her cousin wrong and ended up with my number. i said it's ok and then she said her name was Nica and asked my name and i forgot if i answered her with my name. i was watching The Matrix and had no time for acquaintances that moment so i just pretended that i cant hear her and hung up. she sent me a message asking me to call her again. i replied that the line was cut-off and said i can't call her because my line has exceeded the limit. after a few lies and replies, she asked me to "pasa-load" to her. who was she to ask me to call her and now to ask me for load? the girl was crazy. so i just ignored her. and every couple of days she still rings my fone and last friday she sent me a message "musta?" i was bored that time so i replied. she asked me what i was doing and also said she was in the bathtub. i got pretty bored with her as well so i just ignored her again. she asked me why i was not replying to her messages. she asked 2 or 3 times and i made up an excuse just to be polite. then she sent this: "do u hav experiencd abt sex?" i don't know if i should be offended or if i should laugh at her poor grammar. i asked her why she was asking, her reply was "masama b? i'm hot kse." i never replied again.

after ignoring her, she still send me messages until i sent her a message: "hey guys, i will be using this number 09225228280, pls. update ur fones. tnx - Ron" that'll keep her away for now. unless she reads this and figures it out.

31 May 2005

i won the game but paid the price

I didn't start the game, i was confident the team could bury the opposition. 10 minutes into the game i saw the score at 5 to 20, we were losing by 15. i knew something has to be done, so i let myself into the game. a few lay-ups later and were back in the game. then i fell, and was knocked down bad. as i was jumping and finghting for a rebound the guy in the red jersey hit me and the next thing i remember was looking at the sky as people saw my body parallel to the floor falling from 3 or maybe 4 feet high. good thing my hand broke my fall. or so i thought.

after the fall i jumped right up as if nothing happened. a few minutes later i can feel the pain crawling on my wrist. i never liked to play dirty and i don't intend of starting now. we were down by 9 at halftime and i knew my time would come.

with 2 minutes to go, i looked at the scoreboard and i saw a still commanding 7 point lead. fortunately, a three point attempt trickled in and we were down by only 4. a few exchanged baskets and freethrows later we were only down by 1 with less than a minute to go but the ball possession was still theirs. they melted the clock for a few seconds and attempted a shot. the shot didn't hit the iron and i was free to follow it up to take the lead, the crowd went wild.

30 seconds to go, the ball was theirs. an errand pass sealed the deal. we had the ball with a one point lead waiting for the opponent's foul that never came, next thing i recall we were just counting the seconds away, couldn't believe we won the game. i had to thank God for that.

we won, but for a price. after the game my left wrist have swollen up. now i can't move my left hand without pain. it's all taped up to limit its movement, reducing the pain. i now type this blog using only my right hand. tonight's the championship game and i'm reduced to a spectator. but all of this cannot take away the glory of the game-winning shot, probably the biggest shot of my small undocumented basketball career.

24 May 2005

I think I'm having a relapse...

Maybe I miss her or maybe I just miss being with someone. One thing's for sure, this ain't fun. I think I'm having a relapse. I just wish I could talk to her, I wish this mindjob would stop. It's not like I want to be with her, I just don't want to think that there will be no chance for us to be friends or maybe something more.

I have been through this before, this is unavoidable. I only have to think of something that would get my mind off of this and every little thought of relapses, of failure, of frustrations will go away. And I'm looking forward to my next blog, a blog about my recovery, my triumph, contentment.

20 May 2005

Thanks Reggie...

No more "Miller Time." Indiana's number 31 has called it quits, and nothing can make him change his mind. Not the "one more year" chants, not the hunger for an NBA title, nothing will stop him from hanging up his jersey and passing the torch on to the younger Pacers. But one thing's for sure, the Indiana Pacers will always be Reggie's team.

Thanks Reggie. For years, I have watched you hit clutch shots, daggers, draining the emotions out of your advesaries. For what its worth, I'll carry on the tradition, I'll sink three's when it matters, I'll drain shots at the buzzer, I'll be Reggie Miller. I can still hear the chants "Reggie, Reggie, Reggie..."

19 May 2005

i created a monster...

I pretty much wasted my summer, staying home, sleeping all day or playing ball. For years I've been playing basketball infront of our house, and for years people have been asking if I'll be forming a basketball league for our place. It wasn't until last week 'til I took this question seriously and by the next few days I started a mini-basketball league. I never thought i created a monster.

The league is in its 6th day now, with already 10 games played. It was fun at first but now it's eating my time. I never get to watch my favorite shows on TV, I skip meals, I get tired, I think I need a proxy. Looking at the schedule of games I've made, games will end in roughly 10 days. 10 more days with a monster that can only be destroyed by time.

05 May 2005

aza aza fighting!

watching "full house" on dvd, i can't help saying "aza aza fighting!" a korean expression for encouragement. i didn't catch the filipino-dubbed version on tv, good thing my mom bought a dvd of the koreanovela. i wasn't interested at all at first, but someone told me i should watch it. she told me it was funny. she also was the one who told me that we should stop seeing each other...

it's been a couple of months, i was afraid that watching the dvd would remind me of her. it did remind me of her but i was surprised that i felt no pain, no bitterness at all. am i over her? i don't have a clue. somehow i'm not sure if i've already recovered, it's too damn fast, and it's too good to be true. but i'll get there, if i'm not there already... aza aza fighting!

04 May 2005

prom

on weekdays, afternoon tv is such a bore. i always end up channel surfing for hours, scanning the 40+ channels on cable tv for shows deserving of my attention. when there's really nothing on, i just set the tv to mtv or myx, and try to enjoy music videos. a few weeks back, i chanced upon sugarfree's new video "prom" and it reminded me of my senior year prom. the video featured a dateless guy at prom night, hooked on a girl with a date, her boyfriend maybe. the night turned around a hundred and eighty degrees for the guy who miracolously won prom king honors opposite the prom queen, the girl he admires. then they danced the night away 'til it was time to go. back to reality for the guy, the girl was not his. the girl just gave him a kiss and returned to his date. obviously the guy wouldn't want the night to end. but it has to.

in my senior year prom, i was dateless, as with the majority of the guys (no big deal actually, the school was co-ed). the night went deeper, dinner was served and they played some music. it never really got interesting 'til they played some slow music. i suddenly found myself in a table together with other guys with no dates and no partners to dance with. well, of course there were ladies there i could dance with, classmates, friends, but there was something missing. or should i say someone. as i watched people dancing on the dancefloor, i saw a friend walk towards my direction together with someone. The someone i was missing. she was with someone that night, her boyfriend. but he was nowhere to be seen ...so we danced.

kaye and i were in a pseudo-relationship junior prom. now it's different, she was with someone, and that someone was not me. we never really got to talk after our "fall out" so it was really nice dancing, talking, and reconnecting with her that night. again, back to reality, the night must end sometime. but im fine with it, i was content with that dance. the dance i'm blogging about 6 years after prom.

03 May 2005

the day wasn't ready for me

i was ready for this day, but apparently the day was not ready for me.

let me elaborate... a few days back, i had a fone call from a friend taking classes this summer. we talked for about half an hour, updating me on school stuff. he mentioned something about **** who is also taking the same class. They, together with another friend, often hang-out after class (the guy's gay by the way). I was quite surprised since i was planning to meet them (the gay guy and the other friend) at school to hang-out and catch up on things. But now, things got a little bit tricky, because i know it'll be awkward if she's there, and i'm there...

Then i got my groove back... (please refer to the earlier post). i got my confidence back and suddenly i had this burning curiosity inside me. i wanted to know how would i react to such a situation but most importantly, how would she react. Because i know, i'll be handling the situation quite well due to my renewed self but i don't know about her. So i went for it...

Today i went to school to meet my friends, hoping that i'd see her and see how it goes. And as i've said, the day wasn't ready for me. she was not there today, so i guess i'll still be curious, but i'm ready for sure...

30 April 2005

i got my mojo back!

i dunno if its the hairdo (or lack of it) or something else but i feel like i got my groove back! i never thought it would recover this fast after my great unexpected emotional fallout but now, everything seems ok. i got my ballgame back, i can shoot the ball from trey again and hit it on a regular basis (i'm not being cocky, just being confident). then suddenly i find myself not wasting my thoughts on u-know-who anymore. i'm not saying im completely over her, i'm just saying that i'm now on the road of emotional repair, not like a few weeks ago where i'm somewhere in the middle of denial and acceptance. damn! it feels good to be back!

29 April 2005

i find wisdom and inspiration in unexpected places

most of the time, i find wisdom and inspiration in unexpected places. i can't sleep last night, my mind was consumed by random thoughts. i suddenly remembered a conversation with someone as i told her "true love, if it's really true, doesn't need an answer." you would think that i got this line from a movie or a telenovela. try a show on nickelodeon, "pete and pete".

the show is a weird comedy about two brothers both named pete, but somehow in the 30 minute show, no one seems to get confused. i remember exactly one episode where there was a payphone in the middle of a deserted parking lot. the phone kept on ringing and ringing and drove everyone in town crazy. no one had the guts to answer the phone because legend has it that the phone is cursed and anyone who answers the phone is in deep trouble. the people in town tried to call the phone company. the telephone company sent a technician who can't do anything about the ringing. the older pete volunteered to help those who were driven crazy by the endless ringing sound and served as a 24-hour operator of the "ringing phone" hotline. the younger pete on the other hand had greater things in mind. he, together with his personal superhero "arnie" went fearlessly to the payphone. after having the hardest time the younger pete found himself by his lonesome as he arrived to the scene. everyone watched from a distance as he answered the ringing phone. suddenly, it became quiet all over town, everyone was back to normal. and the phone call? it turned out to be for pete's mom. he called his mom and she talked on the phone, privately. everyone was wondering who was on the the other line? and suddenly it became clear that the call came from the phone technician. say what? as it turned out, pete's mom and the technician were former classmates in middle school and the guy was in love with the mom. he tried to call her a few times but no one seemed to answer his calls, until now. then a voice over was heard "true love, if it's really true, doesn't need an answer..."

lame, but true!

28 April 2005

is it 2002 again?

is it 2002 all over again? i have a shaved head, i'm playing ball everyday, i stay up late every night... deja vu. i was thinking, i kinda like the way things were back in 2002. not much to worry about, just thinking of what new thing to do the next day. hopefully history will repeat itself coz back in 2002 i wasn't lonely at all.

27 April 2005

me and my shiny head!

i remember it was this time last year, summer vacation, when i tried to shave my head. i never did coz my hair was already long and i kinda think its a waste if i cut it all off. i had a shaved head a few years ago and for two years i shave my head using a crappy but functional clipper i bought from my aunt. the nice thing about having no hair is that you can just get up out of bed and just go on with the rest of the day. it saves time since it skips the 5-15 minutes i spend on fixing up my hair. now i'm back! don't get the wrong impression, i didn't do this just to get my mind off of things. when i decided to cut my f4-like hair a month ago, that was due to depression, but this time its just for me. and also for some of my friends who have been requesting for my shiny head for a couple of years now, they hated my long hair and preferred myself shaved.

25 April 2005

someday i'll get it right...

on with the matters of the heart... when is it right to fall for the one who loves you? when you're down? when you're lonely? i say, it's never right! or is it? i was always intimidated by the girls i like. the thing that's always holding me back is my lack of confidence. my lack of confidence a.k.a. "katorpehan" is my greatest obstacle yet. and because of this cancer, i always wind up entertaining people who like me, girls making hints. and in the process i end up liking the person, some of them at least. that's why i'm vulnerable to pseudo-relationships. relationships where you don't even know if it's worth calling a relationship. pretty confusing time. but someday i'll get it right...

24 April 2005

it's not impossible, its inevitable...

"it's not impossible, its inevitable..." - Agent Smith

I was watching Matrix Revolutions earlier, and somehow i remembered how disappointed i am the first time i watched the trilogy. The first matrix was great. The sequels Reloaded and Revolutions i think crossed the line. cinematography and quality-wise, the movie was great. but i just can't help but criticize the story. the first matrix makes you think because it can really happen, the concept was possible. the sequels made neo invincible even in the real world. it was crazy enough that he can fly within the matrix, i'll give him that, after all, all he sees in the matrix are just codes, but to be able to destroy sentinels was a little bit too far for me. i also remember the architect saying that neo is the 6th "one." what happened to the the first 5? why didn't they do the same thing neo did? aren't they all the same? is it only neo that has he ability to destroy the machines by mere thought?

...just questions i would never ask again... hehe

23 April 2005

F2!

If there's any weakness in my armor, it would be saying no to someone in need. i can't say no to someone who asks for help or someone who asks for favors outfront or implied. i just finished a one on one colt45 session with Asz... and as expected, the discussions eventually focused on love or lack thereof. it's been a while since Asz and I had a talk about love and all the foolishness it showers on us. if i remember it right, it was february when i had my birthday celebration when we had a talk like this...

he was not aware of the tragedy i had experienced so i was forced to recall each and every painful moment of my last conversation with ****. Asz and I had a lot in common when it comes to pseudo-relationships. we even had the same path, almost the same scenarios... only difference is, they're still with each other as with mr. go who has nothing but a bittersweet memory.

i guess it's inevitable. somehow, someway, thoughts of you will come to mind and i have no choice but to think it out. i understand it's part of the process. part of the "me getting over you" drama. and i'm halfway there, just you wait you fickle-minded, manipulative, fake, crazy b...

21 April 2005

i never thought you could be like this...

i am really disappointed with someone right now. if you've been reading my blogs you would have an idea who it is. you think you know a person but they turn up to be not at all what you think of them or what they're capable of...

you hear everyone saying bad things about her and you ignore them. you think you know her that well. you believe they're just lying, you believe they don't know what they're talking about.

then it happens, everything falls down. all you've heard now seems like prophecy. what they told you turned out to be true. where do you go from there? would you still believe in her?

someone in friendster posted a question. something like 'would you still be friends with the one who hurt you?' would you? or can you? i tried... but it didn't work out... for now that is. my answer to this is that it is possible to be friends with people who hurt you but only after all the hurt have subsided...

this is killing me...

20 April 2005

somewhere in the middle

i told a friend, "i'm somewhere in the middle of denial and acceptance..." she rejected the idea and told me im still on the denial side of things... am i really? i really don't know... but i've decided not to be treated like this anymore. i was just caught off-guard, like a rug has been pulled beneath my feet. i don't deserve this and you definitely don't deserve the attention im giving you right now... ...trippin' hard fallin down on to the ground, i can't stand up but i can't fall down, coz i'm somewhere in the middle of this...

18 April 2005

videoking!

damn i'm drunk! but sober enough to post a new blog =)

i just came home from a videoke partey care of boss jomz and his videoke machine! it was real fun, i never had a score of below 96 out of a hundred! haha =)

my first song was "it's not unusual" by tom jones. an upbeat tune just to get me going... then the colt 45 kicked in and next thing i remember i was singing emotional songs such as "how do i live" by trisha yearwood.

i wasnt planning on singing but what the heck i had a great time with my friends and i needed to have fun to forget... but somehow, someway, here i am again... thinking of what could've been, thinking of the "what if's" ...damn! i need to get over her... i've decided a while ago that im not gonna wait anymore, i'm gonna move on. but it's not an easy task, i'ma take it a day at a time... nobody said it was easy...

...no one ever said it would be this hard...

17 April 2005

conan's helping me get through this..

everynight i wait for the show "late night with conan o'brien." its the only time of the day where in almost an hour, i'm laughing my heart out. its something i look forward to every day. too bad it only airs 5 days a week and at times, re-runs are played...

well anyway, at least i get to laugh once in a while. nowadays i never have time to watch funny movies to keep me afloat.

on with the day's events... i got to play ball and im exhausted. our opponents are so stubborn, we beat them a few days ago, and cant get it to their heads that we're better.. enough of that, its just nice to get to play again. and play great...

16 April 2005

high and dry

pretty boring day, never got to play ball today 'til 10 in the pm. damn! too many chores to do, not much time to have fun!

just got off ym, chatted with an old friend. pretty interesting chat. she was an ex of my friend. she told me they're friends again and even talk on the fone. kinda surprising, since i think they broke up not on good terms, well i dunno. maybe time heals all wounds. and that's exactly what i need right now. i need to pass the time, need to go fast forward to the day im not depressed anymore. the day im gonna wake up, saying with all honesty, im over you...

15 April 2005

the brilliant dance

Currently playing "the brilliant dance" by dashboard confessional. pretty emotional song.. well anyway, i decided to take advantage of the blog feature provided by myspace. and since out of 1000+ friends, no one seems to read my blogs, im gonna write everything that comes to mind, anything goes!

last night, i went to this sucky party. it was a graduation party of the brother of my friend's baby father. and i dont know them well, i just came for the booze. one of my closest friend was there and made the drinking session worthwhile. its nice to have an emotional but intelligent conversation once in a while.
what about them emotional scars. from the words of hannibal lecter "our scars remind us that the past was real." and it does. no matter how much we want to erase all memory of our heartaches, our frustrations, it doesnt matter. coz in the end, ul still look back and realize that it did happen and u cant do anything about it. how do we treat our wounds? we patch it up, put some medications and it heals, then leaves a scar. and its just that. a scar, a reminder. fact is, u've gone through it, ur healed. but why does it still hurt when we touch our scars?