15 September 2005

letters to kaye

a few years back, kaye and i used to exchange emails on a regular basis. she left for the states and email was our only form of communication. she hated living in the states and really wanted to go home while i was drowning in frustration, keeping my feelings for someone to myself. almost everyday i send her an email of the day's events and she would reply with her assessment. and then the process goes vice-versa.

for the first few months, i used the free email service from edsamail. all our email conversations were saved in the edsamail program. however, the company decided to charge its customers and i had to discontinue using edsamail. all the emails saved were gone.

i switched to other email services to continue my mail sessions with kaye. luckily, some of them remain and one particular email caught my attention. it was about a dream i had before. i can't seem to remember having this dream but the letter doesn't lie, i was the one who wrote it. after reading it a few more times, i remebered the dream. this was the letter:

(a little background: i was inlove with karina at the time, tried to fight my feelings, hid it for a couple of years. i think at this point i was on the verge of revelation. we all know how that went. tragic)

june 9 2002 12:27am

hey kaye, how's the weather? sori di ko alam yung sagot sa tanong mo? di ko alam kung nandito sino ba yung artistang yun? basta wala kc akong alam, pati dun sa audiogalaxy, binago na kc yun, di ko alam kung pano magdownload.... anyway, the reason i wrote is that i want to tell you something... im sori if this consumes your time for no apparent reason but what the hey, read it nalang... last nyt kc i dreamt of karina. and it was so sweet that i wish hindi na ako nagising... for real, kala ko nga ang corny nung mga sabi sa tv na "kung ito'y isang panaginip, ayoko nang magising," but i guess it happens... it started out as a weird dream, because the setting was unreal but that's not important ryt now... it was like in school or something, and students must join a club or activity of some sort and we had the luxury of choosing what we want... kmi na yata nun, and she chose a "club" na parang religious. e parang kulto yung dating so i had my thoughts, but still i didn't mind and joined anyways to be with her... nung sa loob na kmi, di ko maintindihan yung ginagawa nung mga tao, basta puro tungkol sa religion pero daming practices na wierd or cult-like... and then all i remember is that we were on a bed and marami yatang tao sa paligid namin, pero ang talagang nakita ko dun e c carlo, yung ex nya... so in real life, malamang wala akong gawin nun kc nga nandun sha, hiya ako... but in my dream i kissed her na wala akong pakielam sa anong mangyayari or what people will say especially, the ex... and it was like a wake up call to me... medjo panget yung delivery ko nung kwento kaya di mashado sweet but the point is, my mind is clear... i love her na nga talaga... and im just counting the days till i tel someone about my true feelings... hahanap nalang cguro ako ng tyempo. di nga ako makatulog kakaisip kung pano ko sasabihin sa mga friends ko, pero sana malapit na, mahirap din kcng magtago no... and i still can't forget that kiss, it was so real, talagang kinilig ako...

telling my feelings is just the first step, di naman kc automatic yun na mahal din nya ako no... that's a possibility pero its better safe than sorry... sbi ko nga db, love, if its really true, doesn't need an answer... im still open to any relationship that might come, kc nga baka naman me iniisip ng iba yun and baka magkaron din ng bf in the near future... kuntento na ako sa ngayon na loving her from a distance, pero rest assured na di ko naman lolokohin yung magiging gf ko kung magkaron man...

so ano na nga pala buhay mo jan? are you starting to believe na theres something more than what you have been handed? its nice to know that ur happy, if not all the tym at least for a while, the fact is that ur happy... masaya ka, masaya tayo lahat! il send this email as soon as i can... thanks for being there, ikaw lng naman nasasabihan ko ng mga mushy stuff na ganito, lalo na pagdating ke karina na secret lng natin... salamat talaga at sumusulat ka pa rin skin, mas ok nga sana kung sa phone, miss ko na rin kc yung usapan natin na nagsisimula ng 12am tapos bahala na kung kelan matapos... :)

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