27 December 2008

number 7

it's been days since i updated this blog. a few days back i posted a blog for her. between the lines or should i say every start of the line, she was it.

after my last post here i felt better. i drank the whole week with friday as my only rest. and during daytime i was okay. everyone was buzzing about it i can hear the whispers. "ron has recovered" they say. and i did. i recovered from making myself useless. i started to work again. i started to crack jokes again. i stopped making others feel miserable when they're around me. i hope i can keep this up.

easier said than done. christmas passed as if i was asleep with eyes open. i tried to make a fuss out of christmas, after all it was the birth of our Savior. but here i am again. sick and tired of my love life. i still go out with friends but to no use. last night i woke up 3 times just thinking of her. even in my sleep im haunted by what i miss the most. something i might not have again. but i still have faith. i will never give up. i guess church bells and rings are the only things that can stop me from giving her up.

this too shall pass. you too shall be with me again.

this is blog number 7.

16 December 2008

number 6

i drank the night away last night. a simple sms for a companion would always be an opportunity for me nowadays. apart from being a friend, i still need to talk my way out of my miseries.

in an instant i became the expert on the matters of the heart. throwing tips here and there, i helped a friend do the right thing. but what about me? did last night help? the only consolation i get from last night was that i instantly fell asleep upon my bed. but then again, i'm still haunted by her absence, i still woke up in the middle of the night, tears threatening to burst out, chest feeling deep.

i'm now back to my old dwelling place. old pictures, old videos, i can't let go of my past. "live in the now" i keep on telling myself but to no use. i want the love of my life back. all i need is just a little patience.

this is blog number 6.

15 December 2008

number 5

i heard mass yesterday because i felt the need to be helped. this is no longer funny.

i got through that sunday and i don't know how. it's now monday and i already spent the first half of the day doing nothing but browsing the net and watching movies on my laptop. the company's assets well spent!

i still have another half to gut out. i'm going out of my mind.

this is blog number 5.

14 December 2008

number 4

a text message woke me up at around 6am. it was her mother telling everyone that a new member of the family is now born. family. i was part of it once.

i wanted to go but with the situation tearing me apart, i declined the invitation. i pulled myself to go to work and keep myself busy but a couple of invitations more made me confused. i was a "yes or no" guy every hour. in the end, i decided to face the music and show them that i can be strong, that this is painful but i can endure it.

and so i went to the hospital to visit the new born baby not really knowing if they paved the way for me. was she there? is he there? i really didn't care, i want to show them up that even if this is killing me, i can handle it.

it was awkward at first. they weren't there and everyone was happy. it was nostalgic to talk to my family again, i was happy i was handling it real well. but as the minutes turned to hours, i started to feel a sense of not belonging. a few chats i'm not aware of confirmed it. damn it, i am no longer part of this family. i'm now a mere guest.

i asked my ex-soon to be brother-in-law to go home early, i can no longer handle the pain. he understood and even asked me to have a couple of drinks near his work. i strongly agreed. a couple of bottles later, we were talking of the future we saw and the reality we are in now. we still want that future of having a family but as of right now, it's only a dream. for me that is. he still has that future in store for him.

what was refreshing that night, aside from the pro-"me" stories, was the fact that girls were all around us looking. i was playing a staring game with this one girl and it felt good. it gave me back the confidence that i can still find another you.

this is blog number 4.

12 December 2008

number 3

starting to be desperate, i started reading some books on how to make up with an ex. i found out that the guides are usually for couples who broke up, not necessarily with a third party involved. anyway, it did somewhat help. you see, the books says that before you can get back with your ex, you have to take care of yourself first. my first reaction would be "easier said than done" as the book continued to block all your intuitions of sending messages or even feeling alone and depressed. again, easier said than done. but what i learned is that you have to have a level head. irrational decisions and actions will only sink yourself further.

last night i took care of myself by treating my not so bothersome warts on my thumb. only a few really notice it but it was worth removing. there was a free consultation so i jumped the gun, only to realize that i have to shell out 11,000 pesos for the treatment. WTF! but being sad and irrational i said go!

i'm happy i already treated the problem but i worry on how will i get my money back. but before that, my next project are my teeth. another hole in the pocket for me.

i got home and no one was around. it only helped to add to my loneliness. i went to my room and cried my eyes out. didn't even care if the neighbors heard me. i just wanted to cry. i asked God for answers but in the end, it was me who had the decision. yes, it is hard. and to be perfectly honest, as i'm writing this blog i'm still thinking of my one and only star. she was the best. but for now i got to do 2 things, first is to trust God with all my heart, and second, to give myself one month of rest to acclimatize and take care of myself whatever that means.

this is blog number 3.

11 December 2008

the ride

it was rather a normal struggle to get through the day. still can’t figure out why i had the strength to get out of bed and go to work. oh wait, i got it. i just remembered that the reason i get out of bed is because her thoughts would always wake me up so what’s the point of staying in bed.

how a wish there’s an over-the-counter pill to unlove my star. but there isn’t and i have to gut this out. i’ll be a stronger person after this i know. but will a stronger me see you again? i’ve given you your freedom and i know that even in time you might not understand the pain i’m feeling by doing that. the only consolation is that i see you happy. happy with him that is. how i wish i was in his place right now. no commitments, no expectations. how can you guys go wrong?

still you say there’s something missing. guess what? all along i knew what was missing in the two of you. trust. how can you trust someone who would give up years just to get an upgrade? even if you get to years, there’s this chance he might find that other one and ditch you. but as you’ve said, this was your decision and you are willing to suffer the consequences. but is it really worth it?

the past week has been an unbeliveable rollercoater ride. from bitter mondays to calm and collected tuesdays, from grieving wednesdays to acceptance thursdays to emotional fridays. oh what fun. i’m having the time of my life.

this too shall pass. what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. things happen for a reason. what wise words can make the pain go away?

only your words of “take me back” will save me from this misery.

number 2

last night i went to the black christmas project, a reunion concert of wolfgang. i was never really a fan of wolfgang but am a fan of music. i was hesitant at first but i was thankful nonetheless that i got to experience the concert scene once again.

the concert helped a little since i was not able to think about her for at least 5 minutes. an achievement for a mind that thinks of her every single minute of the day. it was refreshing that i was able to free my mind of my worries for a bit. but it was only for 5 minutes. snap back to reality and i'm in despair again.

got home late and started thinking about her and it didn't seem to stop. i fell asleep then woke up holding back the tears as her absence constantly haunts me. even at times when my mind shouldn't be doing anything at all, she's there.

now i'm infront of my laptop, looking around all the busy people doing their tasks while i sit here, type away my miseries and expect a not so wonderful day ahead.

how i wish this is just a nightmare. how i wish she would just show up at my office and give me a sandwich made with love and joy. oh how i miss the good ol' days. how i wish i could bring them back. now i only have memories of her, of us. happy memories that would only lead to swelled up eyes knowing there's a good chance it may never happen again...

this is blog number 2.

10 December 2008

number 1

it's been more than a month since the infamous break-up of you and me. feels like i haven't moved an inch as far as getting over you is concerned. the love for you inside me even seemed to grow, missing you every single minute of every single day.

i just came from a presentation to a client and now i'm back in the office doing absolutely nothing. this is bad. this is sad. instead of pushing pencils, i'm pushing myself over the edge thinking of ways how to get over you. i'm running out of options.

there's a burning faith inside of me. a faith you noticed when we started being one. my faith in you and me was so strong that for a time, even you believed it was real. you just had to test it, didn't you? my burning faith was unparalleled until you had this burning desire to risk it all and fall for another. my faith was nothing compared to your desire.

but the faith still remains. reading your previous letters, we were convinced that God is on our side. He still is. and this is the perfect stage for Him to show his glory, the perfect time to prove my faith in you and in us, the perfect way of showing you how much i really love you.

this is blog number 1.

06 December 2008

patience

“there was a time that i wasn’t sure but you set my mind at ease”

there goes good ol’ john doing a cover of a guns n’ roses classic. right now i’m not sure and you’re not there to set my mind at ease…

you make yourself felt. and believe me i can feel you. my heart is again battling with my mind. the brain would start to tell myself that this is a lost cause and cutting my losses is the best alternative to this madness. my heart on the other hand is holding on to something, something far more greater than us.

i miss you right now. then i ask myself, when did i didn’t miss you. even if we were together i’d still miss you. there’s this longing for you that only a kiss from you can pacify. not a single minute did i not think of you. the only difference between now and then is that now, i know i don’t have you anymore. now i know that when i tell you that i’m already home, you wouldn’t care. if i ask you if you’re home safe, you wouldn’t give me an answer. even if you would, you would answer me in such a way that it would hurt more. why wouldn’t you be safe, you got your new boy making sure you got home safe.

i’m peterpan and i never want to grow up. but you’re wendy and this is just you teaching me how to be a man.

i love you.

you’re love for me is dying and will soon leave the earth. but in an instant, it can be revived and you hold the key to our love’s resurrection.

all i need is just a little patience…

02 December 2008

ranting over neverland

today i decided to get away from it all. i told myself i was ok with everything. i even felt it, thought it was true. but here i am again, trying my best to hold back the tears, always on the brink when thoughts of you linger in my head or when i hear even the happiest love song. i’m starting to worry for myself. while you, you sit there, worry about me for a split second and move along with your happy unsingled life.

go on, i told you i love you so much that i can give up my own happiness for your own. i never thought it would be this hard though. this is by far the hardest hurdle i can imagine. looking for answers and pointing fingers, i can’t figure out who’s to blame on this one. i never gave up, but i decided to let you go. i know that if i forced you to stay, you would. but i just can’t force myself to deprive you of life’s other offerings. you on the other hand can’t seem to be contented. and your longing for something other than ron is what ron became but was a couple of days late.

thoughts of you and him still linger in my head. i still believe in this fairytale. but i’m afraid that it might take a very long time, i’m afraid if i can wait that long. i still have faith. this is something that has to happen. when the dust has settled and the clouds have cleared, it will be you and me. but for now it’s you and him. and it breaks my heart.

i’m home, looking for myself. i want the old ron back. yes, you made me such a better person and i would really love to be that ron again, but for now you decided that i can’t be that ron. so now i’m searching for post-tina, pre-joa ron. it’s the best ron for this situation.

when will this end and when will you restart?

27 November 2008

thanksgiving

today is the fourth thursday of november and only a few filipinos know that today is thanksgiving day. and what a great day to fall on, the 27th.

for a year and a half, i always look forward to this day. it was written in the stars. it was neither forced nor artificial, it was rather spontaneous on your part. remember two plus seven? it was me. how about my seven minus two? that was you.

even in the early part of this fiasco, i looked upon the 27th to save the day. and it did. i told you to wear my favorite dress of yours and you did. a little uneasy at first but i was happy you were back in my arms again.

temptation, however, was there at the end of the track. with his superficial longing for a better version of his other half and you looking for something new plus the fact that you weren’t sure of me, the rest is bound to happen.

but i’d like to say thank you. i did say that right now i am worse than when you found me. but worry not wendy, this is just something that we both have to overcome. i now understand that. next time we meet, you and i will be better. if for each other, that’s another story for heaven’s hand to write.

thank you for everything. ’til we meet again.

23 November 2008

chance

we were still fine back then. with nothing to do on a sunday afternoon, we channel surfed and stopped on PBO with the movie One More Chance. of course i was the first to say that this is a bad idea. what would i tell all my friends? but i was hooked. even though the plot was not in our nearest concern, it aroused a bit of curiosity in us. we even joked about the lines in the movie.

then tragedy came and next thing you know, i was in the very same situation. never knew the story had a chance with us. though not entirely similar, one can’t not see the resemblance. i was pre-occupied back then and the thought of the movie only flew around my head once.

that is, until a very lonely train ride home where everybody hurts. and couples showing their love even hurt more. there was this couple sharing a headset, watching a movie on their PSP. it was popoy and basha. the movie was haunting me.

so i decided to download it and watch the entirety myself. i’m now at an hour and twenty-three minutes and somehow i knew what i wanted all this time. i want my trisha. but unlike the ending, i want my trisha to be my last. there are only a handful of people who are willing to accept you for who you are, for what you’ve been through. people say that my next is unfortunate, coming into the shadow of my star. i beg to differ. my next would be the luckiest girl in the world for i would give her everything she ever wanted. i have learned that i can never change. i would still love whole-heartedly, regardless of the pain.

i’d still have to finish the movie but knowing how the story ends, i have to agree with derob on this one. it would be better if the happy ending would be at different ends. i’ll be over you soon, thanks.

22 November 2008

more to lose

now i walk alone. and while walking alone, all thoughts of loneliness overshadow my purpose. the deafening sound of my heart breaking can sometimes be so unbearable that i almost open the floodgates. the only comfort i get aside from the One above is the nostalgia of old painful songs playing over and over again in my head.

so personalized were the lyrics of this piece that i can’t resist giving it a post.

We used to cry about the day when one of us might fall, weak and blindly into another’s arms. Demands are gained from jealousies, would flow like water drowning us but leaving us with just another lover’s false alarm.

And now it’s over. Both of us free. But I feel colder.

A thousand tortured lives have fallen, wounded dying, cut down by the questions that we’ve sharpened just to save our losing days. We thought we’d nothing more to lose, we’d tear our hearts with jagged truths and everything we’d hung to for so long just slipped away.

And now it’s over. Both of us free. But I feel colder.

I was tired of thinking that our love can shine your thoughts, of our arrangements were really not like mine. I thought it over and it was plain to see the love you said you once needed could just not come from me.

And now it’s over. Both of us free. But I feel colder.

And now we’re moving to new beginnings, but as we move we looked once behind to see what we might find out. Lost loves and old thoughts of our nights of winnings. That lunge, tear and grasp at lost wanting minds.

Seona Dancing - More to Lose

21 November 2008

fast times, slow hearts

seven days ago i woke up in the coldness of the thin sheets and low temperatures. now i wake up in the coldness of being alone. how time flies but i’m not having fun. next thing you’ll know it’s already st. patrick’s day and i’m still in this slump.

last night i tried to relieve some of my emotional stress by having dinner with friends. but a bump on the road on one and an annoying decision by another, i was there waiting alone. a few minutes passed and i’m starting to think about her. and like a snowball rolling into an avalanche, the thoughts progressed and i was agitated. a few calls more and a few excuses later i got fed up and left. i can’t take the loneliness anymore, waiting for people that are either late or won’t even come at all.

what should’ve been a release of stress turned out to be another night on my bed. the night was predestined for me to savor the bitter taste of defeat. my heart is in slow motion going into it’s “i’m over you” phase. your heart on the other hand is in slow motion getting there. the sooner you get there, the sooner i’ll move on.

19 November 2008

trance

with a few bottles and some awkward moments, i started to think again. bad influences of booze and worst was in the offering. am i missing that much? but the urge lasted for a mere 10 seconds. it wasn’t me. i don’t get my kick from the bad. i want to but i can’t. i wont be happy with it anyway. i lied my ass away to get away from it. next thing i knew i was looking for the sandman once again.

with Him on my side table, i started to calm down a bit. a few moments more and i was in a trance. we were having dinner, talking the night away. then suddenly there was this hunger of yours to see him. you got out of the building and jumped on the first jeepney you saw. it was still moving even but you didn’t mind. you’re dying to see him no matter what. i run after you to convince you to stop the madness but to no avail. when i realized that it was a lost cause, i started to wet my cheeks. you were there looking at me as if i’m having the time of my life. you never flinched. that’s when i woke up.

18 November 2008

from LRT to MRT

just a while ago i was in “screw you all” mode but after hearing the nostalgic voices playing in my winamp playlist, i’m back to contemplating and regrouping. for the past weeks i’ve been drowning myself with sad tunes and unanswered questions, going a few months back i remember Love, Respect and Trust as the keys. i had that then, now it’s Misery, Regret and Tragedy.

i still care enough not to let anything bad happen. that’s why right now, i’m thinking of your LRT formula. Love - getting there, Respect - getting there if not there already, and Trust - perhaps questionable. i just wish the formula has changed. if this still stands, then trouble awaits, MRT is just a stone-throw away.

24 October 2008

two

blog number two in two days. just means this is getting serious. why else would i write if not for the outburst of emotions in words or i need to share a joke or something. the silence of no laughter is deafening.

the stars tell our story. as i walked my ever popular thrift walk down the winding streets of rizal, i looked up and saw my fate. two bright stars shining amidst the vastly cloud-covered dark blue sky. the number hid the real picture. th sky painted the situation perfectly with the two stars lightyears from each other. one shone alone while the other shone with a reaching beam.

i’m choking in my own pride. must have swallowed too much of it. john’s at the back again, shouting “take my advice and give up tonight.” sadly, i’m not in a position to decide and even if i had to, i know what i won’t do. i hate quitters. it’s the reason why i’m still stuck with my do-it-all lame ass job. i need to prove to everyone and to myself that moving on is not always the answer. i need to hold on to something no matter how small. pathetic as it seems, i was built this way. one comment said it all, i sometimes give it all out that there’s nothing left for myself.

it takes two to tango. i’m responsible as well. my two lives can’t co-exist. one would always cause concerns to the other. i thought i figured it out or at least still had time to figure it out. time ran out and the words that should’ve come out from my mouth already came out from a sly mask. the words that should’ve graced my ears were already intercepted. game over. now its three. four even.

there’s only room for two. one you and one me.

28 July 2008

back in blank

It’s been a while since my last post, never thought i’d blog again. but as fate would have it, i’m back. and hopefully not for good. faithful readers of the two-year rollercoaster ride that is the Misadventures of Roni G! might notice a trend, 10% sarcasm, 10% achievements, 80% depression.so what’s up Roni G?! I’m depressed, yet again, that’s what’s up.

how nostalgic the ambience: 10:48, a quiet evening, john mayer’s voice as my soundtrack, a bleeding heart, and a half-empty blog. maybe i was destined to be lonely to rekindle my play on words. only time will tell.

so what gives? i was searching for my article “someday i’ll get it right” thinking a glance in the past would provide answers for the present. apparently not. i still can’t figure out what i’m doing wrong.

and so the rain pours hard on the roof bringing a sense of companionship to this insanity. i guess the heavens are synchronizing it’s tears to mine. at least im not alone.

i’m dying to storytell my way out of my miseries but i just can’t. anonimity might not be enough to protect the involved. jumbled words and metaphors might work but i have to be extra cautious. the battle against angst and patience continues. either way, i have to endure the pain. ever the martyr no one understands. not even the closest one at hand. a burden only me truly appreciates. and with that i can find peace.

now in a mindset of “take it or leave it” approach that i know will never work. who am i kidding? it’s more like “take it” or “leave it and i’m walking after you.”

a sense of home is felt as i savor the taste of depression. a sense of urgency to get myself out of a home that bred my loneliness and only has a few entries to be proud of…

12 May 2008

blackhole

the stars tell our story. as i walked the streets last nyt, not even a single star can be seen. the moon lit up the sky just for me to see that the stars are all covered with dark clouds. i did see this coming.

the letters tell otherwise. special characters in the end tell me everything’s fine. deeper into the night, the words changed, my most hated emotion was tickling me again. the value of honesty outweighed the confession itself but it doesn’t mean i didn’t get hurt. the lines typed are like daggers everytime it flashes on the window. at this point i’m thinking of pushing the “what-i-don’t-know-won’t-hurt-me” button. but i guess it’s for the best. pain is love as ja would say…

it’s not ok, but it’s ok. i just hope and pray the the frequency of these attacks will go down significantly. i love my star so much, the star that holds my heart for her to fill or burst. my love and joy, my forever, my pain. i’ll never leave you…