14 December 2008

number 4

a text message woke me up at around 6am. it was her mother telling everyone that a new member of the family is now born. family. i was part of it once.

i wanted to go but with the situation tearing me apart, i declined the invitation. i pulled myself to go to work and keep myself busy but a couple of invitations more made me confused. i was a "yes or no" guy every hour. in the end, i decided to face the music and show them that i can be strong, that this is painful but i can endure it.

and so i went to the hospital to visit the new born baby not really knowing if they paved the way for me. was she there? is he there? i really didn't care, i want to show them up that even if this is killing me, i can handle it.

it was awkward at first. they weren't there and everyone was happy. it was nostalgic to talk to my family again, i was happy i was handling it real well. but as the minutes turned to hours, i started to feel a sense of not belonging. a few chats i'm not aware of confirmed it. damn it, i am no longer part of this family. i'm now a mere guest.

i asked my ex-soon to be brother-in-law to go home early, i can no longer handle the pain. he understood and even asked me to have a couple of drinks near his work. i strongly agreed. a couple of bottles later, we were talking of the future we saw and the reality we are in now. we still want that future of having a family but as of right now, it's only a dream. for me that is. he still has that future in store for him.

what was refreshing that night, aside from the pro-"me" stories, was the fact that girls were all around us looking. i was playing a staring game with this one girl and it felt good. it gave me back the confidence that i can still find another you.

this is blog number 4.

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