02 December 2008

ranting over neverland

today i decided to get away from it all. i told myself i was ok with everything. i even felt it, thought it was true. but here i am again, trying my best to hold back the tears, always on the brink when thoughts of you linger in my head or when i hear even the happiest love song. i’m starting to worry for myself. while you, you sit there, worry about me for a split second and move along with your happy unsingled life.

go on, i told you i love you so much that i can give up my own happiness for your own. i never thought it would be this hard though. this is by far the hardest hurdle i can imagine. looking for answers and pointing fingers, i can’t figure out who’s to blame on this one. i never gave up, but i decided to let you go. i know that if i forced you to stay, you would. but i just can’t force myself to deprive you of life’s other offerings. you on the other hand can’t seem to be contented. and your longing for something other than ron is what ron became but was a couple of days late.

thoughts of you and him still linger in my head. i still believe in this fairytale. but i’m afraid that it might take a very long time, i’m afraid if i can wait that long. i still have faith. this is something that has to happen. when the dust has settled and the clouds have cleared, it will be you and me. but for now it’s you and him. and it breaks my heart.

i’m home, looking for myself. i want the old ron back. yes, you made me such a better person and i would really love to be that ron again, but for now you decided that i can’t be that ron. so now i’m searching for post-tina, pre-joa ron. it’s the best ron for this situation.

when will this end and when will you restart?

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