27 December 2008
after my last post here i felt better. i drank the whole week with friday as my only rest. and during daytime i was okay. everyone was buzzing about it i can hear the whispers. "ron has recovered" they say. and i did. i recovered from making myself useless. i started to work again. i started to crack jokes again. i stopped making others feel miserable when they're around me. i hope i can keep this up.
easier said than done. christmas passed as if i was asleep with eyes open. i tried to make a fuss out of christmas, after all it was the birth of our Savior. but here i am again. sick and tired of my love life. i still go out with friends but to no use. last night i woke up 3 times just thinking of her. even in my sleep im haunted by what i miss the most. something i might not have again. but i still have faith. i will never give up. i guess church bells and rings are the only things that can stop me from giving her up.
this too shall pass. you too shall be with me again.
this is blog number 7.
16 December 2008
in an instant i became the expert on the matters of the heart. throwing tips here and there, i helped a friend do the right thing. but what about me? did last night help? the only consolation i get from last night was that i instantly fell asleep upon my bed. but then again, i'm still haunted by her absence, i still woke up in the middle of the night, tears threatening to burst out, chest feeling deep.
i'm now back to my old dwelling place. old pictures, old videos, i can't let go of my past. "live in the now" i keep on telling myself but to no use. i want the love of my life back. all i need is just a little patience.
this is blog number 6.
15 December 2008
i got through that sunday and i don't know how. it's now monday and i already spent the first half of the day doing nothing but browsing the net and watching movies on my laptop. the company's assets well spent!
i still have another half to gut out. i'm going out of my mind.
this is blog number 5.
14 December 2008
i wanted to go but with the situation tearing me apart, i declined the invitation. i pulled myself to go to work and keep myself busy but a couple of invitations more made me confused. i was a "yes or no" guy every hour. in the end, i decided to face the music and show them that i can be strong, that this is painful but i can endure it.
and so i went to the hospital to visit the new born baby not really knowing if they paved the way for me. was she there? is he there? i really didn't care, i want to show them up that even if this is killing me, i can handle it.
it was awkward at first. they weren't there and everyone was happy. it was nostalgic to talk to my family again, i was happy i was handling it real well. but as the minutes turned to hours, i started to feel a sense of not belonging. a few chats i'm not aware of confirmed it. damn it, i am no longer part of this family. i'm now a mere guest.
i asked my ex-soon to be brother-in-law to go home early, i can no longer handle the pain. he understood and even asked me to have a couple of drinks near his work. i strongly agreed. a couple of bottles later, we were talking of the future we saw and the reality we are in now. we still want that future of having a family but as of right now, it's only a dream. for me that is. he still has that future in store for him.
what was refreshing that night, aside from the pro-"me" stories, was the fact that girls were all around us looking. i was playing a staring game with this one girl and it felt good. it gave me back the confidence that i can still find another you.
this is blog number 4.
12 December 2008
last night i took care of myself by treating my not so bothersome warts on my thumb. only a few really notice it but it was worth removing. there was a free consultation so i jumped the gun, only to realize that i have to shell out 11,000 pesos for the treatment. WTF! but being sad and irrational i said go!
i'm happy i already treated the problem but i worry on how will i get my money back. but before that, my next project are my teeth. another hole in the pocket for me.
i got home and no one was around. it only helped to add to my loneliness. i went to my room and cried my eyes out. didn't even care if the neighbors heard me. i just wanted to cry. i asked God for answers but in the end, it was me who had the decision. yes, it is hard. and to be perfectly honest, as i'm writing this blog i'm still thinking of my one and only star. she was the best. but for now i got to do 2 things, first is to trust God with all my heart, and second, to give myself one month of rest to acclimatize and take care of myself whatever that means.
this is blog number 3.
11 December 2008
it was rather a normal struggle to get through the day. still can’t figure out why i had the strength to get out of bed and go to work. oh wait, i got it. i just remembered that the reason i get out of bed is because her thoughts would always wake me up so what’s the point of staying in bed.
how a wish there’s an over-the-counter pill to unlove my star. but there isn’t and i have to gut this out. i’ll be a stronger person after this i know. but will a stronger me see you again? i’ve given you your freedom and i know that even in time you might not understand the pain i’m feeling by doing that. the only consolation is that i see you happy. happy with him that is. how i wish i was in his place right now. no commitments, no expectations. how can you guys go wrong?
still you say there’s something missing. guess what? all along i knew what was missing in the two of you. trust. how can you trust someone who would give up years just to get an upgrade? even if you get to years, there’s this chance he might find that other one and ditch you. but as you’ve said, this was your decision and you are willing to suffer the consequences. but is it really worth it?
the past week has been an unbeliveable rollercoater ride. from bitter mondays to calm and collected tuesdays, from grieving wednesdays to acceptance thursdays to emotional fridays. oh what fun. i’m having the time of my life.
this too shall pass. what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. things happen for a reason. what wise words can make the pain go away?
only your words of “take me back” will save me from this misery.
the concert helped a little since i was not able to think about her for at least 5 minutes. an achievement for a mind that thinks of her every single minute of the day. it was refreshing that i was able to free my mind of my worries for a bit. but it was only for 5 minutes. snap back to reality and i'm in despair again.
got home late and started thinking about her and it didn't seem to stop. i fell asleep then woke up holding back the tears as her absence constantly haunts me. even at times when my mind shouldn't be doing anything at all, she's there.
now i'm infront of my laptop, looking around all the busy people doing their tasks while i sit here, type away my miseries and expect a not so wonderful day ahead.
how i wish this is just a nightmare. how i wish she would just show up at my office and give me a sandwich made with love and joy. oh how i miss the good ol' days. how i wish i could bring them back. now i only have memories of her, of us. happy memories that would only lead to swelled up eyes knowing there's a good chance it may never happen again...
this is blog number 2.
10 December 2008
i just came from a presentation to a client and now i'm back in the office doing absolutely nothing. this is bad. this is sad. instead of pushing pencils, i'm pushing myself over the edge thinking of ways how to get over you. i'm running out of options.
there's a burning faith inside of me. a faith you noticed when we started being one. my faith in you and me was so strong that for a time, even you believed it was real. you just had to test it, didn't you? my burning faith was unparalleled until you had this burning desire to risk it all and fall for another. my faith was nothing compared to your desire.
but the faith still remains. reading your previous letters, we were convinced that God is on our side. He still is. and this is the perfect stage for Him to show his glory, the perfect time to prove my faith in you and in us, the perfect way of showing you how much i really love you.
this is blog number 1.
06 December 2008
“there was a time that i wasn’t sure but you set my mind at ease”
there goes good ol’ john doing a cover of a guns n’ roses classic. right now i’m not sure and you’re not there to set my mind at ease…
you make yourself felt. and believe me i can feel you. my heart is again battling with my mind. the brain would start to tell myself that this is a lost cause and cutting my losses is the best alternative to this madness. my heart on the other hand is holding on to something, something far more greater than us.
i miss you right now. then i ask myself, when did i didn’t miss you. even if we were together i’d still miss you. there’s this longing for you that only a kiss from you can pacify. not a single minute did i not think of you. the only difference between now and then is that now, i know i don’t have you anymore. now i know that when i tell you that i’m already home, you wouldn’t care. if i ask you if you’re home safe, you wouldn’t give me an answer. even if you would, you would answer me in such a way that it would hurt more. why wouldn’t you be safe, you got your new boy making sure you got home safe.
i’m peterpan and i never want to grow up. but you’re wendy and this is just you teaching me how to be a man.
i love you.
you’re love for me is dying and will soon leave the earth. but in an instant, it can be revived and you hold the key to our love’s resurrection.
all i need is just a little patience…
02 December 2008
today i decided to get away from it all. i told myself i was ok with everything. i even felt it, thought it was true. but here i am again, trying my best to hold back the tears, always on the brink when thoughts of you linger in my head or when i hear even the happiest love song. i’m starting to worry for myself. while you, you sit there, worry about me for a split second and move along with your happy unsingled life.
go on, i told you i love you so much that i can give up my own happiness for your own. i never thought it would be this hard though. this is by far the hardest hurdle i can imagine. looking for answers and pointing fingers, i can’t figure out who’s to blame on this one. i never gave up, but i decided to let you go. i know that if i forced you to stay, you would. but i just can’t force myself to deprive you of life’s other offerings. you on the other hand can’t seem to be contented. and your longing for something other than ron is what ron became but was a couple of days late.
thoughts of you and him still linger in my head. i still believe in this fairytale. but i’m afraid that it might take a very long time, i’m afraid if i can wait that long. i still have faith. this is something that has to happen. when the dust has settled and the clouds have cleared, it will be you and me. but for now it’s you and him. and it breaks my heart.
i’m home, looking for myself. i want the old ron back. yes, you made me such a better person and i would really love to be that ron again, but for now you decided that i can’t be that ron. so now i’m searching for post-tina, pre-joa ron. it’s the best ron for this situation.
when will this end and when will you restart?