04 January 2009

number 8

went to cebu recently with my family. it was a 4-day vacation and what seemed like a trip to get away from it all suddenly turned into the most depressing 4 days of my life.

yeah sure, i did enjoy my family and i really appreciate it. but going around the city made me wonder. this couldv'e been better if she was here. or at least if i can share my frustrations with her. but she wasn't there to respond. i tried to reach out but to no avail. she insisted the no-contact treaty was the best weapon for this situation. but i had no one. i felt alone. i called almost every friend on my cellphone but all i can talk to them about is her. i think they're getting frustrated. who isn't?

there are things i shouldn't have found out. but the curiosity just wont let me be. ignorance is bliss as they say. but i needed to find out whats going on. and even if i don't do a thing, the information just finds me. it was unavoidable. so the guy spent christmas eve and new year's eve with them. something i couldn't do because i have my own family. but he did it. i bet she was very very happy. and that leaves me what?

so after a couple of more talks with some friends, they convinced me to follow the treaty. so i deleted all my networking accounts. well almost all of them. i retained the very first contact we had. where it all began. i just couldn't find the guts to delete it. but family and friends i decided to delete in chat. they can still see me online but they're no longer in my list. i guess it'll make it easier for me to resist talking to them asking them for updates. i'm still hoping obviously. still waiting for that wrong move. still waiting for my chance. my legitimate chance. not just show chance.

so where am i now? still lost. still convincing myself that raising the white flag is the best choice. moving on and giving up is all they say i should do. but i still can't do it. not yet. not just yet. tomorrow's the first day of work for 2009. who knows how would i act going back to that empty office table again.

this is blog number 8.

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