31 December 2009

saving grace

in a blink of an eye.

"no matter how improbable things may be, i’ll always be thankful for that light. eleanor helped me realize things without even trying to. more than she’ll ever know, she gave me reasons to move forward. i just pray that this goes somewhere."

my saving grace.

13 December 2009


it's over and done.who would've thought that the frail boy a year ago would somehow find a way to bounce back.

as i was cruising on the widened streets, i couldn't help but notice the changes the year made. the green, yellow and red lights were certainly new, but so was the man behind the wheel. i've been thinking of tagging along an ally to fill-in the awkward situations i've visualized. but there was no need. i owe this to myself. seemingly displaying testicular fortitude, i came alone.

and there it was. the house i once called home. the faces i once called family. this time, my smiles weren't fake. except for one. maybe they were surprised by my presence that this guy made that tasteless remark. the fake smile was for that remark. other than that unfortunate instance, the rest of the afternoon was okay. it wasn't good but it wasn't bad either. it was just what i expected, small talks for catching up, awkward moments as the hosts entertain the others, and my long sought indifference towards the couple. what was unexpected was that i did it.

with a christmas dinner with college friends to go to, i had to leave that party. after waiting for an electrical commotion to settle down and after collecting the loot bag, i was off and that was it. my friends were somewhat eager to hear the story and were surprised themselves that i actually went through with it, and went through with it alone. it's not really that i had steel cojones, it's just that i don't really care about what will be said nor what will be. i am too far blinded by my shining light to be stuck in despair.

no matter how improbable things may be, i'll always be thankful for that light. eleanor helped me realize things without even trying to. more than she'll ever know, she gave me reasons to move forward. i just pray that this goes somewhere.

02 December 2009

southbound (railway trackback)

another railway trackback post took too long to materialize. duncan's haunting voice on his self-titled set the tone. on my way home, on my way up north, the flashes inside my head were southbound.

monumento, the first. am i late? i veered left and she's already there, patiently waiting. i walk past the queue and everyone that ascends become her. what's taking her so long?

5th. never mind the red in the timecard, a promise is a promise.

r. papa has always been for kaye. the station became an airport of sorts, a simple transaction becoming the last conversation, an unspoken goodbye for almost a decade.

abad santos. skip. blumentritt. skip. tayuman. skip. bambang. who rides at bambang? seriously? doroteo jose. skip. carriedo. stop. the infamous eastern garden lumpia, my secret weapon.

central terminal. a few minutes walk to the city, butterfly shirts, and sunshine.

united nations, she slipped, i held her hand.

pedro gil. from chasing tuesday to losing may. where everything began. i didn't mind the mindless chase, i stood up at the right time but i folded at the wrong time.

quirino, my first taste of money. vito cruz, eyebrows crossed impatiently waiting.

gil puyat, my new domain. i look across and i see her tired eyes and sleepy arms wrapped around me. we'll be home soon.

libertad, fire.

edsa, my end. i raced towards a silhouette. small talks led to big issues. and that was the last.

riding the train will never be the same again i said once. it did. i fell into the trap again of looking out and looking in, the lonely train ride as my timeline of have beens and what could have beens.

in a place where no stations will be memorable because the whole ride will be, that's where i wanna be.