13 December 2009


it's over and done.who would've thought that the frail boy a year ago would somehow find a way to bounce back.

as i was cruising on the widened streets, i couldn't help but notice the changes the year made. the green, yellow and red lights were certainly new, but so was the man behind the wheel. i've been thinking of tagging along an ally to fill-in the awkward situations i've visualized. but there was no need. i owe this to myself. seemingly displaying testicular fortitude, i came alone.

and there it was. the house i once called home. the faces i once called family. this time, my smiles weren't fake. except for one. maybe they were surprised by my presence that this guy made that tasteless remark. the fake smile was for that remark. other than that unfortunate instance, the rest of the afternoon was okay. it wasn't good but it wasn't bad either. it was just what i expected, small talks for catching up, awkward moments as the hosts entertain the others, and my long sought indifference towards the couple. what was unexpected was that i did it.

with a christmas dinner with college friends to go to, i had to leave that party. after waiting for an electrical commotion to settle down and after collecting the loot bag, i was off and that was it. my friends were somewhat eager to hear the story and were surprised themselves that i actually went through with it, and went through with it alone. it's not really that i had steel cojones, it's just that i don't really care about what will be said nor what will be. i am too far blinded by my shining light to be stuck in despair.

no matter how improbable things may be, i'll always be thankful for that light. eleanor helped me realize things without even trying to. more than she'll ever know, she gave me reasons to move forward. i just pray that this goes somewhere.

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